Jesterval

@WhiteHouse You know he’s serious he’s wearing his “look at me I’m a lying cunt” hat

President Donald J. Trump on the United States military combat operations in Iran:

@TheOscarRace Amazing story, they should make that into a film, so entertaining!

Matt Damon admitted he used to resent Edward Norton because Norton kept landing roles Damon had auditioned for. “Edward was always in the running. After Primal Fear, I wanted to go up to him and say ‘Just stop.’” “We went out, got drunk, and I said ‘I’m f*cked, but great to meet you, man.’”

@TheRealJackDee Oh my days?

OMD was on This Morning this morning.

@UKLabour Nope! We can see through you

Bring change to Britain. Vote Labour on Thursday 1 May.

@MickFerry You forgot, note to self! Have a good one

The worst day of the year for hospitality staff. Busy bars, don’t queue single file. If you find yourself being rude to someone on minimum wage then go home. Amazingly, some strangers might not want to hear your “banter” they may find it intimidating. Have fun. Don’t be a dick!

This is tonight! Still tickets available

STAND UP FOR PALESTINE! Join some of the most talented and hilarious comedians at The Stand Comedy Club, Newcastle on Sunday 21st July to raise funds for Medical Aid for Palestinians (MAP ). Book your tickets here: seetickets.com/event/stand-up… #standup #palestine #comedy

@Keir_Starmer Water, genocide, corruption?

For too long, football fans have been treated as an afterthought. If I’m Prime Minister, I’ll make sure the European Super League doesn’t happen. It’s time to start putting fans first.

Over 10,000 Palestinians have been killed in the last month, including over 4,000 children. It is extremely likely that weaponry and military technology sold by the UK is involved in Israel’s war crimes in Gaza. @RishiSunak & @Keir_Starmer when will you #StopArmingIsrael?

@Wailway7 @NYorksPolice Imagine what the Russians would think when they found out how corrupt our government is…

@NYorksPolice Truly extraordinary. You need to be looking for insider assistance. Incredible to believe they had a free run of the Prime Minister's family home for two hours. How many bugs could Russian tourists plant in that time?

Further update 👇 Officers on the ground have made a fifth arrest in connection with this incident. A man has been arrested on suspicion of causing public nuisance. He currently remains in police custody.

@MrEdByrne @sohotheatre @BeavertownBeer Have a good one.. don’t forget to take the glass with you!

Kicking off my 5 night run of Edinburgh previews at @sohotheatre with a #preshowpint of @BeavertownBeer Neck Oil in the Crown and Two Chairmen, Soho. Coincidentally, I did an Edinburgh preview upstairs in this very bar 24 years ago.

Knocking the rough edges off the new show in Soho all next week. Tickets still available if you fancy seeing a comedy show that also contains some sad bits. sohotheatre.com/events/ed-byrn…

@joeheenan Ohm my God!

RIP in peace Electric Cables. U wiv da angles now

@Darren_Dutton I can’t explain how much I’m enjoying this!

I did a google image search for people annoyed that their bins hadn't been collected and put them all in a montage.

@TheSimonEvans Jesus I thought it was wanks!

Dead at 1,000,082. RIP.

@MrEdByrne Or just get them a book for goodness sakes!

This is excellent advice

A map of every European City

@Gr0di @JenBrister @marknelsoncomic Perhaps he thinks he’s aligned with the Tory government and he can do this and it won’t make a difference to his standing!

Old Corden is just the gift that keeps giving. Here he is blatantly stealing material and not even having the common sense to change the words. Tit

@Gabriele_Corno Put the nail back in!

An incredible solitary mason bee pulling a nail out of a hole in the wall!