Joe Pontillo

The only thing that can heal this country or if you feel like hate-watching something for 36 minutes. youtu.be/ByP3OKxUbIw?si…

Shorts. Long sleeve shirt. Sneakers without socks. That's the Summer Long Island Guy.

Forgot what the big news story is right now so I just Google'd "What am I supposed to be afraid of?"

@kranepool Boat lanes soon.

@JoePontillo I’m waiting for the crosstown gondola

*Literally floating away in another NYC flood* "What this city needs is more bike and bus lanes!"

Not to mention the permanent damage done to American television.

Pro chefs eat each other's shit and review it.

I think the next logical move is for Martha Stewart to open a chain of chicken restaurants.

@TC70822431 Things happen.

@JoePontillo No Italian should be eating at Olive Garden

No Italian should ever have to show their ID at Olive Garden.

Saying "I'll let you go" during a phone call like it's a hostage situation.

An Irish Hello is when you suddenly appear at a party much to the horror of whoever is hosting it.

@OneWordPowerful Elections have consequences!

@JoePontillo Mamdani’s America

*Customer Service in 2026* "Hi can I help you?" Yes. "Sorry I didn't understand that request. Would you like to speak with an agent." Yes. "There are none available. Please fill out this survey letting us know how we did."

No One: Service You've Used For Years: Great news, we're increasing our prices!

News reporters when they get to scare viewers with heatwaves, wildfire smoke and diarrhea lettuce.

Screaming, crying, and throwing up. For a price.

@johnsaponaro I'd rather watch a washed Marcus Semien than even look at the name Zack Short again.

I’m not exaggerating when I say, I’d rather Marcus Semien be the starting 2B for the rest of his contract — to whatever end, than ever see Brett Baty start a game for the Mets again. #LGM

The Instagram and TikTok algorithms decide what you should be posting and that's it. It's basically a curse. I know a guy who posts nothing but yo-yo videos, he looks like he's dying but he's getting likes.

"Now bring back the Canadian wildfire smoke and change the Twitter algorithm for absolutely no reason."

Yes that's a type of weather.