Joe Pontillo

The only thing that can heal this country or if you feel like hate-watching something for 36 minutes. youtu.be/ByP3OKxUbIw?si…

Commisoner Gordon: You never answered my question. Batman: And I never will. *Jumps off the rooftop*

@SNYtv #comeback

Marcus Semien blasts his fourth home run of the season

Welcome to whatever age you are now. You change your shirt four times a day but have been wearing the same pair of jeans since March.

YouTube ASMR video: 4 hours of people getting mad at things they read on the internet.

@Mets For $57 million Juan Soto doesn't get to be sick for 2 days.

Back home 🏡 #LGM

I've become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Can't believe the government allows Little Caesars to continue to sell something called "crazy bread" to the general public.

Love when the weather report is like "Rain should stop by 3pm....or never."

*Italian psychic looking into crystal ball* "Oh, there he is!"

Modern political comedy reminds me of when I started doing stand-up at 21 and half the crowd was my friends or family and I mainly told inside jokes which confused and angered the rest of the audience.

@ScottsdaleVeins Don't leave the garage.

@JoePontillo Post game Lights.

The Cavaliers were too distracted by Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to focus on the Knicks.

Ate a Klondike Bar last night. Kind of don't want to be alone right now.

@MetsBooth @nymets945 Let me talk to Howie.

@nymets945 @JoePontillo Can we go back to the hotel?

The second inning ... not so much. 2-0 Marlins.

Losing my mind because someone I know referred to a video on their phone as a "tape".

Changing my stage name to "Hot Dog" and watching the bookings roll in.

@GravySauceCream Absolute cinema.

@JoePontillo repeatedly retweeting my own tweets until they reach the number of likes i think they deserve

Repeatedly reading my own post just to drive the view count up.