Joezempic 💉

I’m 6 days into having a black cat, is there a scientific reason he chooses to lay into the dustiest parts of my flat or is he just shaming me for how bad I am at hoovering all the nooks and crooks?

That was abysmal. Zero drive. Zero ingenuity. We didn’t even attempt to meet the moment, simply rolled over. We can’t have another season with this sort of form when the only set of fans our team have made happy are Tottenham ones. #Everton

A lot of neutrals finding out what it's like to be an Everton fan today

Another great day to be an Everton fan. So enjoyable.

The entire nation relying on Everton to relegate Spurs is so funny, we will roll over for them without a doubt and we also essentially handed Arsenal the title 😂. We’re managing to find new levels of misery by spreading it around the country to other fan bases hahahahahaha

@ickysisterr 😭😭😭 I was literally sat one night eating it like “why do I keep hooking up with this dude?” and it clicked

I used to hook up with a guy who would bring me a Crunchie every time we met because I’d casually mentioned they’re a fave. I really believe the Crunchie became the main incentive because the sex was quite bad. He’d conditioned me. Like Pavlov’s Knob.

can he consider banning it for over 65s too

Shocking moment reporter falls asleep live on air

Smoggie Queens series 2 somehow outdoing itself. So so funny.

@3wayboy It’s just a great slam, cross-generational. I call my friend JC as he’s always on a trip somewhere

@DaveModculture @JoeWritesThings 😂😂 bloke in our cricket club was called Judith C last week for exactly this reason

RIP Judith, but you’re name will live on whenever anyone you know goes on more than 2 holidays a year.

A family can be one person and a cat

My son is the happiest, sleepiest boy, cannot believe he’s so settled and it’s not even been a week 🐈‍⬛🥰

@xanderrboiii I use this. Highly recommend getting a back applicator as well as a normal mitt so you can spread more evenly on your back (unless you have someone who can do your back for you!)

Anyone got any good fake tan recs that i could get from like boots or smthn? :D

High in cum

Tony Goldwyn as Bob Lipka is so so good. There are some actors born to play a villain and he’s one of them, just a very talented man #Hacks

Just to be clear, this is segregation. Wash it under the words of 'third-spaces' all you want, its still segregation.

best running joke of the season btw.

Today we remember the 22 Angels who lost their lives 9 years ago. Thoughts, love and prayers to their families, friends as well as everybody who was injured and affected. #Manchester22 #Manchester #ManchesterRemembers #ManchesterArena