Kelly

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to plug in my phone. I’m embarrassed and now I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

@ZiadFazel @allcanadianmom1 😂😂😂😂

@allcanadianmom1 That’s @Kelly__le kind of humour.

Feng shui consultant: Your refrigerator shouldn't be next to the couch. Me: You're fired.

I would have more respect for you if you just took a white T-shirt and a sharpie and wrote “I want to put Trump’s dick right in my mouth” instead of some bullshit shirt like this.

Just let him ruin the whole fucking world, I guess.

Just me having girl dinner 💅🏻 *a honey bun and Aleve

I bet Blake Shelton always smells like armpits and ranch dressing.

“Drag queens are awful.” -The Right Also The Right:

I just tested positive for chocolate cake.

It has come to my attention that several women here have described me to others as "nice." I won't stand for this slander!

I wonder how many people have farted spinning the big wheel on The Price is Right.

I didn’t get drafted by the NFL last night, so I guess I’m going to work today.

Oh no. I’ve discovered turning miniatures into earrings and I know at some point I’ll need an intervention. #ICanStopWheneverIWant #IJustDontWantToRightNow

I’m bored, but not “let’s put on a bra & go out in public” bored.

I wish I loved anything as much as old people love unplugging everything that doesn’t need to be unplugged

I just had to explain to someone that Anne Frank & Lisa Frank are not the same person.

@SirJeremyLondon This one sucks 😔

Wtf is happening?!? I just worked with Patrick. FFFFUUUUCCCKKKKK

I’m at this age where I don’t know who any of the young celebrities are that sing, but I know who all the old celebrities are that die.

If delivering for DoorDash has taught me anything, it’s that now I know the difference between animal piss and human piss when walking up to any house.

@WilliamAder Gosh I love you.

Trump now demanding to "talk directly to Mr. Hormuz himself."