Kevin ‘Patch’ Ostenson 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🏴‍☠️

@Riley_Gaines_ WTF! This is NOT toned. Holy hell…what is it with these celebrities looking like they are starving to death? Don’t get it. This looks unhealthy as hell.

Toned? No. This is skin and bones.

Oh!

@mooseincrisis This is how I like my moose. @MikeyDiMercurio want to come over for some?

moose, the misunderstood gentle giant.

@KylieJaneKremer Not to be ‘that guy’ but cars have a parking break for a reason. You never want to count on just a small pin in your transmission keeping the vehicle from rolling. Most car drivers do t k this and usually refer there parking brake as an emergency brake….

While I was asleep this morning, just before 8am, my neighbor sat outside drinking his coffee and watched my turned-off, parked Infiniti QX80 roll out of the driveway, through my fence, across the backyard, and flip upside down by the golf course while golfers stood there watching like it was the back nine at Augusta. Hope everybody’s Mother’s Day is going at least a little smoother than my family’s!

@BamaSaltyMarine Duct tape and WD40

I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit turned the doohickey and the Wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any idea's?

@james_xond 12

I’ll ask again because I’m trying to prove a point: How old were you the first time you ever fired a gun?

@MrMajidLV @ThrillaRilla369 And not everyone practice any religion…so there is that….

@ThrillaRilla369 Not serve it. I'm muslim and I don't eat pork either. And if you own a Bible you can read for yourself that GOD told EVERYONE not to eat pork, not just one group of people. 🤦🏿‍♂️

If your Muslim neighbor asked you not to serve pork at your BBQ because it offends them and isn’t halal. What would you do?

Your favorite .45 ACP pistol?

Name a video game that you've easily put 1,000 hours into Gifs only

@robertcrais @thrillerwriters @PutnamBooks @simonschusterUK Totally deserved! Woohoo!

Shocked, awed, and floored for the second time in two weeks. Thank you, @thrillerwriters, for awarding THE BIG EMPTY the ITW Best Series Novel award of 2026. You guys are AWESOME! (Elvis and Joe thank you, too.)

@RegimentGG @DreamHack Too bad I don’t live closer!

MASSIVE salute to @DreamHack for supporting us with FREE 3-Day passes for us to give away! 🇺🇸 Veterans who want to attend — drop a comment below and we’ll get you squared away! 🫡 #WeHaveYourSix | #DreamHack

@deaflibertarian Truth.

Owning a pet does not make you a mother. I said what I said.

@MikeyDiMercurio here you go lol

@MikeyDiMercurio exspansive

@Supersonic_Red Hahaha!😂

He just said to me, completely serious, “I wonder if there are redheaded ones.” Sir. Absolutely not. We are not expanding the operational scope of this nonsense into genetically engineered strawberry blonde tactical catgirls roaming the halls of the NTS demanding salmon treats, belly rubs and security clearances. I already have enough problems getting a manuscript out of you on time. I am not adding “catgirl acquisition and management” to my already ridiculous workload. Somewhere there is a Pentagon contractor ready to submit a twelve billion dollar white paper titled Advanced Feline Human Integration Initiative and Michael would absolutely volunteer to lead the program. 🙄

Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered a new phase of the Novel 14 delay cycle. Michael has discovered the “cat girl at the Nevada Test and Training Range” conspiracy and now fully believes there is a classified underground program hiding anime women somewhere between Area 51 and the Tonopah Test Range. And unfortunately for me, he would now like emotional support and validation. Not happening. First of all, if cat girls existed anywhere near the NTTR, fighter pilots would have found them within approximately eleven minutes. There is not a chance in this universe that generations of aviators, maintainers, contractors, bored Security Forces troops and Red Flag participants would collectively keep that secret. Absolutely none. You’re talking about a community that can identify: an engine vibration by feel another squadron’s jet by sound who’s dating who three bases away and where the good coffee is within a 200 mile radius But I’m supposed to believe nobody noticed an entire species of cat women wandering around Nevada? No. By 1997 there would have been challenge coins, unofficial patches, two divorces, a country song and at least one fighter squadron with a completely inappropriate callsign tied to the incident. The maintainers would already have a checklist: “Cat Girl Encounter Forms AFTO 781-C.” The intel officers would be trying to classify paw prints. And somewhere there’d be an O-6 giving a briefing that starts with: “For the last time, stop trying to bring them to the officer’s club.” Meanwhile Michael is over here acting like disclosure is imminent. Sir. You have a manuscript due. You do not have time to join the Cat Girl Task Force. At this point I fully expect him to call me tomorrow and whisper: “Red… what if they’re real?” Michael. My Brother in Christ. You are behind schedule. The only mysterious entity I am interested in locating is Novel 14. Frankly, if a cat girl appeared tomorrow carrying a fully edited manuscript, properly formatted and ready for production, I would reconsider my position. Until then, I remain unconvinced. Current assessment: UFOs: possible advanced aerospace programs: likely cat girls at NTS: negative Michael getting this manuscript to me before September: increasingly classified information. Additionally, I have reviewed my existing contractual obligations and can confirm that “cat girl management,” “interdimensional waifu liaison duties,” and “feline humanoid disclosure operations” are NOT covered under the terms and conditions of my agreement. I would therefore like to formally renegotiate compensation before this situation escalates further. (I literally started writing this while he was still trying to make his case.)

@Supersonic_Red Ha! That’s great! 😀

@KevinOstenson I started writing it while he was trying to hawk the cat girls to me and convincing me to believe him. He was laughing so hard he had tears coming out of his eyes because I just started rattling it off.