Kidroy

@ShadrackOt938 Another reason I always prefer to park far deep outside the road, hii kuwacha sentimita moja utapata mtu atakugwara mbaya

An accident has occured just Now!!,,umepark kademio kando ya barabara ukisip minute maid, kidogo a transit Lory inalose control only for it to do this to your car. No casualties tho. location ,Njoro.

@georgediano It took 10 years for that person to come and serve you an updated syllabus of character development,😂😂

NAIROBI!! NAIROBI!! NAIROBI!!. Lemme beat for you guys a story. You see, my cousin Lumadede is a very smooth operator, ako na mdomo tamu kuliko Kasongo. This ninja texted me, “Oya bro, nitumie mia mbili, malaya atani dunga kisu.” Mimi kama kijana mzuri nikasema, lemme sponsor his appetite for value addition services,, there’s literally no need for my brother to connect to Sayuni’s WiFi signal just because of mia mbwexe. This was back in 2015 while I was still a comrade at UoN, surviving on tapped water & chapo dondo. By mistake, I sent Omwami 2,000 instead of 200. Ladies & gentlemen, that was the last time I ever heard from that idiot. He even skipped our grandma’s funeral because he knew the IMF officer would be around, na kusema ukweli lazima angekula mavidevu. Imagine kuosha comrade elfu mbili pesa taslimu enzi za Uhuruto, na ile nje hukua UoN hapana macheso. Fast forward to last Sunday, nimetulia tu kwa nyumba na nawatch Jakom akisindikizwa Sayuni. Tangu mama Liam anipoint na kisu after nilikuja kwa nyumba nikinuka mtura na supper nilikua nimewaletea managu, siku hizi kutoka nje weekend pengine nikienda kuanika manguo huko rooftop. Nikiwa katikati harakati ya kushout Jowi Jowi Jowi, naona new number inanipigia. Nikishika, nasikia sauti familiar,, it’s Omwami Lumadede, kijana mjinga kama babake. He's calling me 10yrs later. Even before I could rant, Omwami akaniambia, “Bro, kale kadeni kako nakulipa times 10 leo, nilipata kazi GDC, kuja club 1824 tukule kanyama.” Ilibidi nitoke kwa nyumba ki-sniper, mimi huyo moja kwa moja mpaka 1824. Lemme tell you, Maina, sijai ona club iko na warembo namna hiyo,, madem wote walikua type yangu. So I met Omwami, and indeed, it seems life was soft on his end juu kijana hadi ametoa kitambi, na kwa meza amewekelea Glenfiddich. He was in the company of two ladies. One was very fine looking, all succulent, with average sianda and standing boobies with tirries pointing Kitengela, while the other was a plus size gari kubwa zaidi, a bit older, let’s say in her early 40s & the nyondos had already obeyed the law of gravity. Kama kawa, mimi huwa sipendi gari kubwa, so I told Saimo lazima anipige sub huko kwa fire body, and Saimo told me it’s fine, yeye ile shimo anaogopa ni kaburi tu. But even with a fine damsel on my side, I couldn’t help but notice the other bales that were present at the club. That club has very beautiful babes kiawa, but I guess it’s because they usually have Old Skull Sundays where they play RnB & Jaz music. Nani watoto wakona hela zao, they just come to enjoy themselves not hunting. Nilienda kusalimia Mmoja akaniambia “Eeew, I'm deaf I can't hear you” na nilimpata akiimba solidaad,, Wooi Nyasaye, i have sofaad!! Anyway, so this ninja calls the waiter and asks her to take my order. Kusemaa ukweli mbele ya Yehova Wanyonyi, sijawai onja Glenfiddich juu mimi mlalahoi nimezoea KC GINGER. I told the waiter to just bring a glass so I can escort the elites to the land of the living. On top of that, nikaitisha kuku wet fry with a strict order,, kafiriri iwekewe kangemi. Very nice,, so the food came and I did justice to it. After a few shots of mutindi, nilianza kuona ata hii gari ingine si kubwa sana,, it’s manageable. I started seeing my own things and slowly undressing her with my eyes. I imagined stretch marks everywhere, starting from milima na mabonde all the way to the cracks of Galileo. Kwanza huwa naskia this old mamas comes with bags of experience from being retired Ngono kantes. Sikhendu elders said the older the pot, the sweeter the soup! Those women above 35 are like fine wine, seasoned, marinated, and professionally certified in the Ministry of Experience. They don’t do trial and error, they cook emotions with precision, serve love with garnish, and leave you quoting the national anthem in slow motion. Ask Guardian Angel, our boy is glowing like a Morocco lizard. Kazi ni kumumunya mkombero na kujituma tu. They say once you’ve tasted the wisdom of these elders, those small girls start looking like unfinished assignments. Getting your man back from a young girl is possible... but from an older woman, even kamotee won’t help you. No wonder the president of France is the youngest in his family,, he’s younger than his last born. Ogopa hawa wamama wazee kabisa. Anyway, zangu zilishika, nikaona ata hiyo gari ingine si mzee sana. After all, the older the guitar, the better the tune. Remember, when sugarcane grows old, it returns sweetness at the buttocks,, sorry bottom. And my Russian people say: old banana has no methina. It was now around 7 PM, the sun was clocking out, and the mosquitoes were clocking in. The young damsel looked at Omwami and said, “Baby, give me the car keys, I need to get my sweater.” Alaaas! Omwami also has a car? Indeed, life was beginning to smile at him with all 32 teeth! The girl gracefully cat-walked out to get her “sweater,” and after two minutes, she came back saying, “Eeeh babe, the car door has refused to open.” Being a gentleman and slightly suspicious engineer of the waistline, Omwami stood up, dusted his trousers, and said, “Let me go check.” Ladies and gentlemen… that was the last time I saw Omwami Lumadede in the land of the living. At first, we thought maybe Omwami had gone to measure the diameter or test the gear system located beneath his wandawea. Thirty minutes later,,, silence. We gave them another 30 minutes,, still no sign. The only thing left at the table was the smell of whiskey and betrayal. Just as I was preparing to launch a missing person report, the waiter approached with the energy of KRA during tax season, holding the bill like a court summons. When I reached my pocket to get my phone to call Omwami… my Oppo is GONE! I looked at Big Momma and said, “Call Omwami.” She also reached her bag, looked inside, and shouted, “Jesu Kristo wa Nazareti! My phone & my money is gone too” Before I could even say pole, Big Momma fainted like an old television losing signal. There I was, one man, one bill, and a bouncer built like a water tank staring at me. I picked up the bill and my eyes nearly resigned from service, Ksh 38,000 pesa taslimu! My heart whispered “run,” but my dignity whispered “utajua hujui.” Before I could even fake a stroke, the bouncers had already surrounded me like a live band. One said, “Boss, how do you wish to settle?” I said, “Spiritually.” Thanks to club 1824 management, they handled my case with utmost humanity, they massaged me a little & only took my dignity, shoes and belt, not my soul. If it was another club, probably I would be tasting Sayuni's WiFi signal from a distance. Lemme tell you maina, nilipelekwa huko nyuma na bouncer, nilipepeta jiko usiku mzima ndio kastomaas wasikose moto ya kuvutaa shisha,, by the time nilikua namalizia kuchonga ngunia ya pili ya waru, sikua na Nguvu ya kuosha viombo. I could have avoided all these struggles if only I had called Mama Liam to send me something small to settle the bill. The problem was that I never asked for her permission before launching an escapade. I asked the bouncer, “Why hasn't the fat lady been dragged for punishment too. We ate & drank free tings with her,, where’s gender equality” The bouncer looked at me like I’d asked him to solve a crossword and said, “Bro, they rushed her to Nairobi West, they’re giving her that special hospital drink laced with glucose.” Turns out the lady is Lumadede’s neighbor from the village. Omwami told her that he has a cousin (me) who's a Major at the KDF so she should produce a bribe of ksh 500k to facilitate my anger issues so that I can look the other way during the recruitment. Imagine me!! a Major in the military!! with my partial blindness & my curved makagare? Thieves these days have no shame at all. I’m out here pretending to be a star in uniform while I can barely salute without my head doing the macarena,,, Omwami mahali uko ulaaniwe milele. Next thing we know, the KSh 500k has vanished into the wind and the money Saimo owes me has now increased to KSh 40,000. I don't even think the Ninja can appear for his burial now that he is a wanted Man. Yani after kuni osha 10yrs ago, the idiot came back to finesse me a good one again. I had to pay for heartbreak, misery, and the official Omwami Special: Glenfiddich with emergency comfort ugali wet fry. Heri ningebaki tu kwa nyumba Niki omboleza Agwambo. Even after going through all that, I still went & received another beating in my own house that I pay rent,, from someone I paid dowry for. Luhya women are very dangerous especially those short ones that comes from Tongaren😒. That thing called Mareej is not for the faint hearted. If they're not beating you, they're slowly sending you to Sayuni by feeding you kitoweo laced with Steelwool,, Ogopa nani!! But I swear before Yehova Wanyonyi, if I catch that son of Agrippina, he will see what Onyango One touch saw in Namba Okana back in 1906. IDIOT!!

@elgonduke @WaruiJohn2 Unajiroll duvet kwa mwili kama kanzu Hadi asubui 😂

@WaruiJohn2 When i was posted in my new station, i had nothing to start life and for upkeep, a friend suggested i get a second hand mattress.....niliona huyu anataka kuniletea laaana kwangu..i opted kulala chini kwanza na duvet nilitoka nayo home

I saw somewhere People selling second hand mattresses You buy second hand mattresses? Like for real?

@ignyharaz2 Pipeline girls were just chilling 😂

To add on what mwalimu has said. 1. Kama unajua unalipa rent ya below ten thousands tafadhali kaa na wenzako 2. Kama luku yako ni zile za Thrifts huko think twice na zile madem huvalisha ma dummies, stay away from us. 3. Kama unajua hauna Degree , endea ma bouncer wa bukla. 4. Kama uko more than 0 zero kids, dead or alive, please avoid me. 5. Kama unajua ushawahi expose chudai yako , anytime, chezea nje ya 18 6. Kama unakaa pipeline pia tuheshimiane 7. Kama wewe ni msichana ya unifasity pia

@LyricalDoctor6 Kwani unatuona aje?

Kama Kuna watu nimerespect ni wale wananunua data daily na wana manage kua online throughout,,like how?😂

@Misspreety17 Declan comes first, others follow 😂

Nimepata so many recommendations ya Rice sasa ntaanza na gani niwache gani🤣🤣

@aliUTD19 @ShaneMalemo @KE_MrBlack Ulitick aje hizo dorm zote mkuu 😂

@Kidroy6 @ShaneMalemo @KE_MrBlack Kupirate wapi bana😂😂🖕

What was the name of the dorm you used to sleep in back in high school? 😂😂

@ShaneMalemo @KE_MrBlack Agoi 1 Niko solo

@KE_MrBlack Annex, Chavakali bois

@aliUTD19 @ShaneMalemo @KE_MrBlack Hizo zote kazi Yako ilikua tu kupirate😂😂

@ShaneMalemo @KE_MrBlack Amigune 2 Annex Ligaga Prefab L'lanziva😂😂🔥

@Wachira_km Same thing happens in Kisumu, I was stuck at Kisumu airport for 2 hours waiting for a car that wasn't coming, the good thing I had maintained that I'll only pay once I see and test the car, wakiona haulipi kwanza they choose to waste your time ati ngoja naleta

The Car Hire Nairobi Scam. Someguys a running a Nairobi car hire scam, no fake offices no big lies, just timing, trust… and urgency. This is how they are running it, they post different models like, Subaru Forester / Mazda Demio for hire self drive clean, insured at 3,500/day. They set a good price not suspicious, Photos, Real cars just not theirs. Ukiwapigia simu they sound very convincing and organized, they ask very legit questions like “Where will you be using the car?” “Do you have a license, Refundable deposit is 10K, returned on drop-off sound professional calm and reassuring. They make the model of the vehicle you are requesting feel scarce. Someone else is asking for the same dates, If you want me to hold it, just send a small commitment fee, that word again commitment. You send 3K–5K to reserve. They send a location pin, Usually an apartment in South B or Thika Road or somewhere busy, believable and they even give you a name, ask for Kevin at the gate and you show up you try to call and Kevin doesn’t exist. Phone goes off or suddenly and excuse, bro, I’m stuck in traffic, give me 20 minutes, you wait and 20 minutes become 1 hour and the number goes off whatsapp dp gone and by the time you realise they are on to the next victim of their scheme. The roadtrip you had planned fails and money is gone. Nairobi scams doesn’t chase you. It waits for you to plan something important.

@joel_cana GiVe us everything man, we've been starving for so long

Arsenal fans UCL or EPL ?

@georgediano Ati *even the mosquito paused mid air* 😂

I used to have this cousin who identified herself as a medic. She would even prescribe medication for Mama Assembly back in Sikhendu for her diabetes and blood pressure. My mother used to request me to send her money monthly for the medication. I used to complain, wondering why the medicines were so expensive, yet at the pharmacy it retailed at almost half the price. But the daughter of Agrippina insisted that the ones at the pharmacy were generic. One day after having issues with Mama Liam & being denied the food that faces the earth for like a month, I decided to sort myself out. I still don’t know what spirit possessed me that evening. One minute I was a responsible citizen, the next minute I was walking like a undercover inspector of night economy services. I visited one of the famous brothels along Moi Avenue called Lazarus. At Lazarus, there are many rooms named after mountains and countries. You just open a door and look inside to see if the lady is your type. If you're not satisfied, you go to the next room, and so forth. So there I was, trying to look serious and mysterious, as if I was about to conduct an audit instead of committing small small sins. I reached the location, cleared my throat like a man about to negotiate a government tender, and knocked. The door opened & My heart stopped. Because standing there, in full HD clarity, was my cousin the quack doctor with a Dust coat. We both froze like buffering YouTube on 2G. She blinked, I blinked. Even the mosquito in the room paused mid-air to witness history. Before I could even manufacture a lie, she quickly adjusted her bag and said, “Eeeish Diano… you’re here early.” Early? Madam, what meeting is this where I’m arriving early? I stammered like a broken sayona woofer, “Muhonja,, what are you doing here?” She looked left, right, then whispered like a government whistleblower, “Relax,, I’m here for work.” Nyasaye,,, Work? My brain refused to process. Then she opened the bag slightly,,, and my friend, it was full of government-branded condoms. Not two, not ten,, cartons. KEMSA logos shining like they were sponsored by embarrassment itself. “I’m distributing supplies,” she said confidently like a logistics manager in a crisis. At that moment, the actual lady I had come to see appeared behind her and said, “Madam, are you done with stock-taking? My customers are waiting.” Customers? PLURAL?? I suddenly felt like I needed an appointment letter and a national ID. My cousin turned to me again and said, “Anyway, since you’re here omwami,, support the program.” Support the program?? I almost fainted. We both stood there in silence, two people united by bad decisions and worse timing. No one could even threaten the other because we were both equally finished. The doctor who has been prescribing medicine for mama Assembly is actually a Condom supply for KEMSA. I slowly reversed like a car without side mirrors and said, “You know what Muhonja… let me come back during office hours.” To this day, I’ve been sending her money for Mama Assembly’s medication on time without complaining, even when she insists that prices have skyrocketed. Nowadays, family gatherings are very peaceful because we both know that if one talks, the other will produce evidence. That was the last time I opted for outside catering as far as the food that faces the earth is concerned. Heri ni Nyonge!!

@Eddieug10Ug Where's Cunha, he needs to dance to entertain us, of course like mbeumo he shouldn't eat

Updated list of players invited for the trophy parade at Emirates. 1. Murillo 2. Dominike Solanke 3. Mitooma 4.Mbuemo(but he won't eat). 5. Elliot Anderson. 6.Enzo Fernandes 7. Granit Xhaka 8. Harvey Barnes 9.Matty Cash 10. Jaoa Palinha 11. 12. COYG❤️.

@hakidesigners @WaruiJohn2 The first step of recovery is accepting reality, you really believe this arsenal squad will drop 10 points?

@WaruiJohn2 Relax, we all know Arsenal can not win the league, why are you worried?

Arsenal fans will be saying this to Manchester United fans once they win the league: SHUT UP!! YOU LAST WON THE LEAGUE IN 2013 We're so cooked😭😭

@Thelfc_Ace Dumb and dumber = null and his brother void 😂

i thought we disgraced the Epl yesterday,but dumb and dumber had something more😭😭

@dklaston You've been around cars and you know your way around cars, but imagine a person whose only knowledge of a car is the one they got from driving school, and they have some sweet money and decide to buy a car, such a person will rely on a mech and fully trust pre inspection

Last year I bought and sold over 25 locally used cars — and I didn’t inspect a single one with a mechanic. A clean car naonaga na macho 👀 before I even test drive. Some of those cars my guys would just send me photos and the account to pay 😅.. and I pay. When I’m selling a car, I always make full disclosure of any potential issues before the buyer or their mechanic even notices them. The truth is, used cars are never spotless. Every car can have an issue. The real questions are: • Is the problem fixable? • What will it cost? • Is the seller willing to negotiate in consideration of the repair? • Is the car priced below the average market price? People sell all kinds of problems… it’s up to you to decide which problem you can live with 😎

@Williamomondi05 @WaruiJohn2 It wasn't just Ghana, it was a whole continent 😭

@WaruiJohn2 Suarez robbing ghana

Biggest injustice in football UK government forcing Abramovich out of Chelsea football club Barcelona robbing Chelsea in 2009 UCL semis Thierry Henry's Handball in 2009, France's 2010 World Cup qualification was sealed after a blatant handball by Henry went unnoticed, eliminating Ireland. Robin Van Persie red card against Barcelona in 2011 Frank Lampard goal against Germany that was disallowed in 2010 world cup Add more....

@Ggkinyanjui @polo_kimanii Something funny Ike siku umekuja kununua pampers ndo hakunanga attendant hiyo side, unabaki kuziangalia kwanza

@polo_kimanii Watu warefu wanafaa kufanya kazi kwa supermarket ndio watutoleee hizo pampers size XL zenye hukuwa zimeekwa juu....

The worst thing that could happen to you is being tall and poor. Tall people we must work hard. Some of us dont fit in matatus akiangai. And thats the reason I dont go to Lang’ata. Niliingia matatu namna hii nikaskia miguu kweli imekataa kukunjika bwana,kichwa pia ndio hiyo imegusa ceiling,tukigonga pothole namna hii na mimi napokea yangu. Conductor tulikua wawili hiyo matatu,juu pia mimi ilibidi nimetoa kichwa nje bwana. Poverty agwan! Some of us dont even fit in regular beds. Our legs are left hanging outside like Oscar sudis brain when he enters parliament. Kitanda yetu lasima tupeane measurements kwa fundi bwana. Wewe ukiibiwa na mtu mrefu hii msimu tafadhali elewa,we are trying to leave babylon. Angalau tununue gari jameni. Unajua ata piki piki hatutoshei,juu uko mrefu kuliko mwenye amekubeba. Highway mkiingia namna hii upepo inakupiga unashindwa kupumua karibu mate ikunyonge,meeting unafika umeparara mdomo nikama umelala ukitafuna jivu bwana. Woi mailod jesus christ! Help us or we ask satan to help us Khabusie!

@alexmwanzo Such friends are a gem 😂

My friends are generally extremely stupid

Don’t say anything, just RT. x.com/Pab07705883/st…