i am kory

Last year I was way off... but its a new year! My annual @mlb #OpeningDay predictions: AL E @Yankees AL C @Royals AL W @Mariners NL E @Phillies NL C @Brewers NL W @Dodgers AL WC: @BlueJays @Tigers @Orioles NL WC: @Mets @Braves @Pirates WS: M's over Phils in 6

When did buying a car wash become a timeshare presentation? Me- just need a basic Guy pushing buttons that I can easily push myself - for $10 more you get unlimited Me- just a basic, thanks Guy- I don’t know why anyone would just want a basic, but okay… 😖😖😖

"Who is your favorite vampire?" “The one from Sesame Street.” “He doesn't count!" “I assure you, he does.”

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

athlete: so if triathlon is running, biking and swimming, that must mean biathlon is running and biking? coach: [taking out skis and a gun] haha yeah you’d think so

I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm… But when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

The inventor of auto-correct has died. His funnel is tomato.

in case anyone was wondering how the roads are

My DoorDash driver trying to bring me my cheesy 5-layer burrito next week:

A 2-star QB scrambling for potentially the national-championship-winning touchdown on 4th down in his hometown against his hometown team after winning the Heisman for the most losing program of all time while his mother with MS screams for joy from her seat is possibly the limit of how good sports can get

I must tell you, we gain 54 minutes of daylight in the next 30 days.

Watching Jingle All The Way makes me sad for what #Minneapolis used to be… A full and vibrant Nicollet Mall is a distant fairy tale at this point.

Last week I hosted family for Thanksgiving. My 12-year-old nephew asked for the WiFi password. He wanted to play Roblox on his iPad. I looked at the device. Unmanaged. No antivirus. No encryption. I’m an IT Professional. I don't run an open network. So I didn’t give him the password. Instead, I spent 45 minutes provisioning a Guest VLAN. I set up a captive portal. I throttled the bandwidth down to 56kbps. Then I blocked all traffic on ports 80 and 443. He came back crying. He said it wouldn't load. My sister screamed at me to "just let him play." I told her that Zero Trust architecture doesn't care about bloodlines. We didn't have a "fun" Thanksgiving. But we had a secure perimeter. You’re welcome for the compliance.

@GopherHole ^^

Disrespect from @FOXSports using the Michigan M on their @GopherFootball illustrated Gopher graphic. 😖 the correct M is on the wall behind him for reference.

Therapist: What's wrong? Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce Therapist: And who told you that? Me: *tearfully clears throat*

i like when a greeting card already has a note pre written in there for you :) then u write ur own little note below it like hi haha that was the card before but it’s me now

A letter from the Pohlad family: