Lance Said This

Welp, since this place is now just a harvesting site for AI, my new stuff is reserved for the other places. Please find me on that Gram for original visual jokes and that Sky place for good ol' written ones. (at: LanceSaidThis) I'll still be here to read and drop Greatest Hits.

@Bennieeexyz Geez, cutting/pasting a stolen joke at least feels like, maybe he's just an idiot on things. But intentionally tweaking it to make it sound orig (and longer and less funny), is just the sign of a pathetic asshole. @octopuscaveman

My 4-year-old looked up at me this morning, completely unprompted, and said: "Daddy, what if you put a chicken nugget in the DVD player and it played a movie about the chicken's whole life?" I just stood there holding my coffee. No parenting book. No podcast. No advice from my mother. Nothing in my 34 years on this earth prepared me for that question 7am this morning.😭

@DestryBrod Gal aged hard in 15 years

Yes. I only waited a oneth.

@FirecrackerFran I'm bsky and IG now and dont post here anymore but still got the account in case Elon dies.

@FirecrackerFran Haven't been on this site in eons, but it's good to know you're still doing the Lord's work. 🫡

@AsiaDNYC Hiring you as my publicist.

@Lance_Said_This I’ve seen the women you date, you gotta be FULL of The Audacity by now!

All it takes is for a beautiful woman to crush on an ugly guy once and boom, he’s supplied with The Audacity for the rest of his crusty life

@elonmusk Bro, I just heard you were begging to get on that pedophile island. 😬 That's effed up, man. You're one sick bastard!

If you've been bad this year and really want to throw Santa for a loop, ASK for coal in your stocking. That fat bastard won't know what the hell to do!

Maybe in Die Hard the villain wasn't Hans Gruber at all but Mr. Takagi. The guy throws a mandatory office party on Christmas Eve with apparently no spouses or children allowed. What kind of dick power move is that?

The woman who cuts my hair asked if I did modeling in my younger days. Now I’m thinking someone with eyesight that bad shouldn’t touch my hair.

Out of all the fridays, Black Friday gets pulled over and questioned the most. 😕

This is the craziest baseball game since Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen!

Sometimes I wish I had kids, but it would have been a bummer to lie to them and say Halloween was cancelled so I can watch the World Series

It's this time of the year when baseball playoffs are going on that I regret not having a son. It would be great to have someone to fetch me beers so I don't have to leave the TV. 🍺⚾️🍺⚾️🍺⚾️🍺⚾️

@ZazaG0blin Well, no wonder I've never found him.

Waldo is hidden behind my clitoris.

@LittleVodkaOwl Joy Division

Can you guess what I'm listening to?

@EmailEricD I usually leave a note saying I've transfered 500 Southwest Skymiles to their account.

For the inside of a wedding card, should I go to the store to get one bigger bill, or do you think the newlyweds will be okay with ten singles?

The DOW Jones stands for the department of war jones now

BREAKING: MEXICO AGREES TO PAY FOR THE FUNERAL.

@mariana057 This poor guy with no followers... x.com/incorrectcrows…

I'm having salad for dinner. Actually, it's fruit salad. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented Grapes. Wine. I'm having wine for dinner.