Liz Ziner

Hey hot tip don't ask the TSA bodyscan guy if he can see your IUD bc he doesn't know what that is & it sounds dangerous lol who knew right

I would follow @tomdelonge into a bunker.

Coming out of twitter retirement to say this:

@IAmEcw Thank you, Eric!!!

@LiZiner Hope you have been able to enjoy today! Wishing you #ManyHappyReturns and continued health all year 🎂🖖

@ShermanJeff Gloves in a bottle! Believe the hype.

Dry, cracked hands are no joke. Need a lotion that doesn't smell, isn't full of crazy ingredients and just works. Any brand suggestions? Help us heal our hands here in the Midwest. 🤲 Appreciated!

@qdobagoodingjr Personally, zero interest in being able to distinguish a conversation heart from a pepto bismol chewable. Where’s the fun in that???

Beach’s conversation hearts changing their flavors is an abomination. They’re already terrible. Give us the old-timey flavors!

@realDonaldTrump Lol okay loser

They just happened to find 50,000 ballots late last night. The USA is embarrassed by fools. Our Election Process is worse than that of third world countries!

@realDonaldTrump You, sir, are crazier than a shit house rat.

I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!

@realDonaldTrump Your peanus is a circus peanut I have proof

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

If I’ve learned anything from watching every season of Housewives, it’s that bon bons need a serious rebranding.

@IHateMattDrufke You have no idea how much this means to me, right now especially😭 you’re truly a gift. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Billie Eilish sounds like an inkjet printer don’t @ me

@ellle_em Brain fog white mystery airhead. SHOOK.

Dear THAT guy on our overbooked flight frantically trying to find room in the overhead for your soft-cased acoustic guitar, Your entertainment value is peaking as we speak & it sucks it’s gonna take 5 years of torturing your friends with wagon wheel for you to realize it.

NO CONSENT NO BOOTY 2018 - Lil B

I’m arguing for drunk pizza in the classic debate: drunk pizza vs sober pizza. Been training for this for 9 yrs🍕🍕🍕

@marcusdipaola Where is the best place to donate to help hurricane animal rescue efforts?

Rescued six dogs in Leland, NC, after the owner LEFT THEM locked in an outdoor cage that filled with flood water that was rapidly rising. We got them out, but by the time we left, the water was so high that they would have drowned. BRING YOUR PETS WITH YOU! #HurricaneFlorence

If you’ve ever doubted the existence of Catholic guilt, may I present this Facebook message from my mom:

I’m getting married in 13 days aka stress-eating fistfuls of sugar cereal while frantically pedaling a stationary bike. So that’s how I’m doing.

Why do they even make Icehouse in bottles?

Say what you will about folk singers, but they are VERY good at geography.