sam i am

I think the fact that I've had friends tell me they're surprised I don't drink coffee because it seems like the type of hobby I could be pretentious about is all you really need to know about me

@Clear agents in the airport are the new kiosk workers in malls

I had a tweet claiming "2024 was going to be a weird year" from back in 2021 (I think I was right) but I also accidentally deleted it because I don't know how this website works any more

Considering how many times I've unintentionally gone to Pride events, I've never once failed to dress appropriately for Pride

@joshmacl Record everything, make sure you've contacted your landlord, then repair-and-deduct from rent if the issue hasn't been resolved soon

Sixth day of no hot water in our apartment so I think means I can legally make credible threats against my landlord right

Let @zachbraff direct a @MarvelStudios movie

I actually prefer turbulence on my flights because I like knowing the pilot had to work

@eddie_lobao @daylighthaze What?

@daylighthaze Thats why Vansire solos, no diff

the way everyone was so concerned for rex orange county when he said he was cancelling shows, when it actually was because he was accused of sexual assault. vile man

When I need a break from work, I lean back, pull out my phone, and respond to work Slack messages

The best part of shows is being able to make new friends and reconnect with the old ones!💖🌸

We are proud to announce our involvement with an amazing LA event: ‘Groove Continental: Pop Up Shop’ Feat: @DanMasonVapor @yungbae @Pad_Chennington @skylar__spence + more Sept 8th, 5-11pm We will be there with exclusive merch, so come say hi! RSVP HERE: rsvp.yungbae.com

You said your love language was "quality time" not "quantity time" why are you mad at me????

"Ugh" my mother scoffs, as she sees me playing Cookie Clicker on my phone, while she actively as Pokemon Go. The hypocrisy in the air is palpable.

@madisonismaybe Bunch of liberal Hollywood bullshit. They don't want you to know the truth about volcanoes

@LulZeDong they dont?? why are they always depicted that way

It's really disappointing that volcanos don't actually have large holes at the top with large drops down into a pit of lava

@isthisbandemo Your emo judgment has been respectfully requested on Fastball isthisbandemo.com #isthisbandemo

"it seems like every guy a meet in a hostel is an engineer and every girl I meet is vegan" -girl in my hostel upon learning I'm an engineer

Reggaeton DJs should legally always be paid below minimum wage

@SDJ67 They'll have to order the rest of the trilogy to find out

why does Towelborg exist? is he a bath towel? or a beach towel? these are questions that will not be addressed by my screenplay.

been thinking it would be fun to meticulously work my way into being an in-demand writer/director, get offered a star wars film, and then intentionally blow it immediately by turning in a first draft script *heavily* featuring a character named Towelborg (the cyborg towel)

"This is much cleaner and nicer than most of the bars I go to" Arjun: "That's because this is a coffee shop Andrew"

I could never be a flight attendant. They just look too put together and I've never looked that way in my life.