Matthew Wingard

I'm the kind of buzzed where I ask to pet strangers' dogs.

@MFWingard This mf has porridge on his list

What is this old timey ass peasant grocery list I’m making

@bethbourdon I was so torn bc I did not want anything to do with sending anyone to jail BUT the defense did a fantastic job: theft ≠ burglary. Intent was not proven

i've been summoned for jury duty and i'm very upset.* *because i will never be picked to sit on a jury no matter how many times i answer each question with "and i can be fair and impartial to both sides." i just want to see what it's really like.

@kremlincardinal @XwingGameSeries It’s lame, but turn the display quality to its lowest setting. Then fly toward the exhaust port but way high above the trench beyond laser fire. Then dive in when you’re above it. If it hits you auto-win so you don’t have to worry about pulling up and out

@XwingGameSeries okay but how did anyone ever actually beat the trench run mission without Invul turned on??

X-Wing game crafts and objects overview Part 26: Death Star Exhaust Port #xwing #tiefighter #starwars #lucasarts #lucasfilmgames #pcgaming #retrogaming #retrogames #retrogamer #dosgaming #dosgames #deathstar

@TheMcKenziest 🎶🎤🎸

war sluts is a new one

@Srirachachau My buddy and I were talking about the “shimmy up that drainpipe”moment the night before the news broke. I got curious and found out that Gene Hackman and Kumar Pallana lived to 95 (Kumar just a couple months shy)

Sometimes you rewatch something you loved in high school and you remember why you loved it in high school and can leave it there. Tenenbaums both always takes me back but also keeps growing with me. I love how Anderson is constantly evolving but he really captured something here

@caitiedelaney Wrap party!

how is everybody celebrating TGIF with their loved ones?

@joansin4acure I didn’t notice!

I like how in the spangram today that one of the things is shaped like the thing it is.

@meowingabyss It’s the first lyric in the song. You could shut down any argument in seconds

The thing about being pregnant is no one can judge you for making bagel bites at 10am

@meowingabyss My heart was so full earlier this week when bubba woke up in the night asking for daddy. But by night 3…

We’ve been dealing with really intense parental preference from our 2.5yo and she only wants my husband to play with her and only wants me to do care tasks it’s exhausting but it does mean I don’t have to go out on the bounce house rn 🤙

@dylunsohelo Up a tree without a paddle Spending money like wildflowers

what's your favorite malaphor? mine is "that train has sailed"

@joansin4acure Looks great, delicious toast! And happy belated birthday! We celebrated Choncho’s over the weekend. My wife gave him that nickname when he was an infant. She’s steeped in Nacho lore

@MFWingard How’s this?

Give me some feedback! I designed a paper papel invite for my baby’s 1st birthday. What would make it more “Nacho Libre” themed?

@meowingabyss Also I couldn’t figure out why Vroom Vroom sounded so familiar and then it clicked, Blister in the Sun

@meowingabyss Between that and the new 5 Senses song, driving Bubba to school has been a breeze (it’s <2 miles away)

Super Simple Songs came out with a new single called Vroom Vroom like 2 days ago and my daughter is fucking obsessed with it we had to listen to it no less than 20 times today

@joansin4acure Haha I kept double checking before I posted too “yeah she even said Nacho Libre, ok send”

@MFWingard LMAO I THOUGHT YOU WERE REPLYING TO A DIFFERENT TWEET AND I WAS LIKE, uhhhhhh???!

@JoshMills You’ve been serving as long as I’ve known you! About time you got paid for it

@MFWingard Nice, glad to hear it. I'm out of the industry, I'm a process server now, serve legal documents. Sometimes I get to wear a disguise!

Yes, Smoke just filled up Simi Valley. Very bad stuff, drove through it and couldn't keep it out of the car.

@JoshMills I’m assisting on a scripted show right now. Lucky to have a job. How about you? Happy birthday btw!

@MFWingard We’re northridge/porter ranch, so close to castiac and Sylmar fires but have had good luck so far. Are you still cutting scripted? How do you like that?

@themaggieshow_ I’m serious. My mom literally cooked when she made this for me

@JoshMills Yeah we’re sandwiched between the Eaton and Palisades fires but never got an evacuation warning. Worst we got is bad air and some shingles in the pool. How about yall?

@MFWingard Where are you located? Are you ok?