MATTer of Fact

When my grandfather died, I drank his go-to scotch in his honor. I just found out my family put down one of our dogs, so I’m off to kill a squirrel with my mouth in his honor.

Hey @IndianaFootball, corporate needs you to find the differences between these two pictures.

“I can’t believe it’s already 20__,” I say every year until I die.

Free WiFi on @JetBlue is the biggest scam of all time.

@CLETalkingHeads “Before you’re up, you’re down” sounds like the description of any given Browns game.

@CLETalkingHeads WE NEED A PIC OF ANDY’S GLASSES

@KenCarman All good, we can manifest together. Seed is planted. I just hope someone can free us from the current burden

@MHWComedy ☹️ damnit. I'm sorry.

@KenCarman Penix Jr. is who I was about to ask about before my call got dumped 😂

One day you're 18, slapping a bag of Franzia, the next day you're 30 and getting excited about a new mug.

Yo @Apple you need to update your calendars, Passover is not one night. You got 20 days of Easter events but one night of an 8-night holiday?

Work hack: Don’t.

@stavistacheman I often break thermometers and pour the mercury into my Gatorade, yes.

What idiot approved this post with this caption and didn’t think the comments would go sideways??

@stavistacheman The entire concept of a carry-on for anything over two days is a fallacy. Oh, you need shoes for the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and non-wedding events? Lol sorry you didn’t want to pack any clothes with those, did you?

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE PACK IN JUST A CARRY-ON, TWO PAIRS OF MY SHOES TAKE UP HALF THE GODDAMN BAG!!!!!!

If you can pack for more than two days in a carry-on, fuck you.

The entire concept of packing in a carry-on is a lie.

In those rare times that Bobby actually loses on Beat Bobby Flay, I literally yell “Fuck you, Bobby!” at the TV as if he’s personally wronged me like his ex wives.

Hey can we push this meeting back? It’s interfering with me trying to make lunch.

My girlfriend didn’t like this one but I stand by it.

@faroutmandyj Find the lie.

You guys ever realize Vermont and New Hampshire are just kinda 69ing up there