Martin Denning

@MickyWard @RealDeniseWelch Also, no bellends on a dead planet, so….?

@RealDeniseWelch No sunflowers on a dead planet

Can we all just literally do what we like these days without consequence?? Asking for a friend.

@LesDennis Hahaha! Would love to see Les as grandad!

Sat opposite this on my way home last night. Luckily I had my mask on.

@LucieStockton @beckylynch90 @RealDeniseWelch I don’t know what any of that means, sorry.

@MartinIrons @beckylynch90 @RealDeniseWelch Ha ha! Spoken like a oeofessional victim! Perhaps ambulances should also only have two wheels eh?

Karma!!!!!!!!!!

@BiteYourBrum Brimful of Asha? Go! 😢

Well… this was inexplicably popular. Some very funny tweets in this thread if you fancy a read.

@beckylynch90 @RealDeniseWelch You don’t have to wear a helmet Becky, and you’re not supposed to get out of your shitty Peugeot and try to kick a cyclist off his bike, ‘legally’

@RealDeniseWelch My home town that was and legally cyclists are meant to wear helmets

@alicefloradavis @BiteYourBrum It’s really not, we stand united.

@BiteYourBrum Dancing in the moonlight, although not sure it’s an irrational hate

Which song do you irrationally hate? You know that one tune that the moment you hear a few bars you get instantly angry. I’ll start: Brimful of Asha. Go.

@fesshole Could be worse, I once split my trousers picking up a ball on the second green, unfortunately I was going commando that day so everyone got a glimpse of the number two hole.

I love golf. Recently my girlfriend of 2 years wore me down and I agreed to take her with me for a round. On the 2nd hole after a decent tee shot she picked my ball up and ran off with it as a joke. I broke up with her that evening and told my family she cheated on me

@mrchrisaddison That’s exactly what Bluto would say

Do fuck off, Popey.

@JohnCleese Send in James Bond and be done with it all.

Yes please Who's going to start ?

@RhonddaBryant Yes, but it might still be cheaper to send them your money this winter…

I presume this is a scam?

@mouthwaite @BBCOne Without spoilers? Yes, I expect it’s loads better without spoilers!

About to watch last night’s “Crossfire” … Without spoilers, is it good? @BBCOne

@DeanyDeany @AlexHorne I haven’t liked a tweet this much since the last time I saw a tweet that I liked this much, I like it!

@AlexHorne I’ve not been this excited about reading something since the last time I was this excited about reading something. It’s very exciting.

I'm in it!

@fesshole He’s full of shit

I'm a long distance lorry driver and have had to go to hospital twice in the past 12 months because I have a pathological disgust of motorway rest rooms that has meant I'm constantly constipated to the point of agony. It's ruining my life.

@Wendy_Wason @IcelandFoods Not surprising really, it’s proper slippery over there I expect x

Hey @IcelandFoods. In November 2021 one of your vans drove into my car. I’ve been calling you and your insurance company VMS every couple of months to get the issue sorted. Any chance of that happening?

@Wendy_Wason Me too, as a kid I thought it super weird as I assumed their solidarity would be second to none, what IS that all about?!

Always amazed at the hate women reserve for other women. Have a word.

@ThePunnyWorld Someone threw cheese and milk at me, I thought ‘how dairy’

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like: "What the Hellman!"

@fesshole wait, what?! I don’t remember writing this…

My mates all think that my wife doesn't let me go to the pub anymore. In reality, I would much rather spend the evening with her and the kids and then cuddle up with a glass of wine and a film than listen to drunken twats talk bollocks about football.

@ashleystollar Cawl

Food answers only: where are you from?

@fesshole Umm, he’s bald, right?!

Daughter regularly gets headlice. We all get it, bar hubby. It drives me nuts that I have to do all the treatments, so I experimented on him by putting 4 live ones into his hair while he slept. Still didn't take

@fesshole At least you’re putting in a hard days work at the orifice. There, I said it.

Worst thing about being a sex worker? It's not the amount of grown men I have to scrub clean before a rim job, nope. It's the sheer amount of times I have to tell them they're good at sex.