Matt Sumf

Lyft driver thinks he’s gonna get a cancellation fee out of me, I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees

“The plaintiff will settle for 50 tanks of galaxy gas”

So the planned parenthood

He in the same situation as me my fit just harder

@wardamnbilly Literally was thinking the same thing when I loaded up tonight

When did Fortnite add stuff like this they must want me to start stroking it in the lobby 😂😂😂😂😂

Even LinkedIn noticing

Boomers when someone drives by their crib going 26 in a 25

Never fucking count me out

@rebeccashleigh Bet you finally responded, how you doing

@MattSumf HELLO?

The wind was so strong she unadded me

@beamersballsack Goto the body shop cabaret and thank me later

I really moved to Greenville, North Carolina postgrad #bruh

Average Indian truck driver

Gonna start finding chicks who are 2 weeks away from marriage on instagram and make an account taking their new married last names handle

I wonder if where she’s from correlates with any skills she has

EBT final boss

@Ziggles_94 Have you ever been to Oxford NC there aren’t many options

@MattSumf I guess my question would be why the fuck are you at a Popeyes at 9 o’clock in the morning

In enemy territory with the door open

@akshayyburner Ya it is, cary/morrisville is a cesspool

@MattSumf This has got to be the park west location. Worst environment for a sports bar of all time

Welcome to little India

Bam Abedayo landed more punches this weekend than Conor Mcgregor

Just caught this guy playing with his COC in the gym, what a sicko

@mschklov Its okay Doc, its about to be made into glue and be used for a 2nd grade minorities paper mache project!

@MattSumf This dog looks very sick! I would call a vet or look up his symptoms on WebMD. As a doctor I always like when patients look it up on Google and tell me what they have! Saves time, and money DrM

My buddy 15 minutes after I accidentally hand him the wrong bag