Matt Plato

@NoContextBrits Shrooms

You have to lose one item. Which is it?

@JoosyJew And a "personality"

Palestinianism is where lonely people go to find friends.

@Jonasem2020 They're big, like something else 🔥

@anon_opin I fail to find Monty Python amusing. I've tried and still failed.

Both Ronnie Barker and David Jason are comedy giants who should be rightly praised for a great body of work. Except for Open All Hours. Which is absolutely shite. Although not as bad as Still Open All Hours, which somehow managed to be even shitter.

@HeidiBachram Why?! What line could he ever cross!

Co-founder of Palestine Solidarity Campaign Tony Greenstein was just expelled from the Green Party. That’s quite some achievement. But he’s no different than many infesting the party. Kick them all OUT.

@DabronxM @jessisajew Happily Israel excels at more useful things, such as science, technology and culture 🇮🇱🔥😎

@Matt_tfdXCI @jessisajew Not so great at apartheid either.

If Israel controls the media, why do I keep reading articles saying Israel controls the media?

@fesshole ...Did you start your meal at the ends and work towards the middle? 🤣

Date was going well until he started scooping up his ice cream using poppadums like how one might eat guacamole with Doritos.

@fesshole I learnt today and I'm 34

I only realised why Ray-Bans are called ray bans. I'm 40.

@fesshole That's sweet... I think

Mine and my wife's underwear are roughly the same size however when I hang the washing out, I use 1 peg for hers and 2 pegs for mine as I know that when she takes the washing in, hers being a '1 peg job' positively impacts her view of herself.

@OrevaZSN The last one I stayed in expected me to strip the beds on departure. I didn't.

Airbnb owners, if you’re charging me a cleaning fee, I’m not cleaning anything. Hotels don’t charge a cleaning fee, and I don’t have to strip the beds, take out the trash, load the dishwasher, or wash the towels. Why are you charging a fee whilst making me an employee?

@fesshole Prison isn't the answer. Shame is.

Had an absolute Karen follow me around Tesco glaring and trying to snoop in my trolly. She definitely thought I was trying to shoplift so I paid for everything out of spite. Problem was she was absolutely correct.

@fesshole Errr no

Work booked me into an Air BnB for a conference. I assumed the deal was you got the whole house for yourself. That's not always the case as I discovered while having a wank in the hallway.

@fesshole Eating sugar puffs?

Used to have a friend in primary school who'd collect wasps and bees in his lunchbox. I wonder some days what's he's doing now?

@HeidiBachram Why's she dressed as a nurse

The new Mayor of Hackney is keen to stop the council’s pension fund investing in companies “complicit in genocide”. What genocide Zoe?

@fesshole Eughhhhhhhh

I stopped sleeping naked, and I stopped picking my nose and rubbing it on the bed. These two changes have allowed me to wash my white sheets only three times a year, down from every two weeks.

@Nathan262Horn Ignore the haters and show us your birthday suit 🔥

I could show ya all my birthday dick, yeah the one I was born with, but evidently that would make me a “nonce” 🙄🤷🏻‍♂️😅

@hunterxhiker I could go for some pec climbing

rugged landscape^

@fesshole ❤️

I have a jar of homemade strawberry jam in my refrigerator that my mother made with strawberries she grew in her garden. The jar has been there for 13 years. She died 12.5 years ago and I still can't bring myself to bin it.

@sinfullyfits Safe to say I'd probably stop working