Not Nicolas Cage

@ScousePigeonLa @lucas_shannon32 @MadisonKenney3 @SteveStfler I fucking hate John Pigeon.

@lucas_shannon32 @MadisonKenney3 @SteveStfler Steve, if that's even your real name, you do not own the rights to this footage. Remove now

What would you rather watch?

.@fettywap Fetty, this is my homemade Christmas-themed parody of your hit song "My Way." It goes: "baby won't you jingle all the waaayyyyyy"

Friends, I ask a favor: I need to speak with @IAmSteveHarvey but do not have contact info. Please RT to help get his attention. Thank you.

Currently watching The Pacifier with the great Vin Diesel. Or should I say... Vin Regular Unleaded.

Told this joke at dinner and got plenty of laughs: J.K. Rowling? More like I'm Serious Rowling. Please share at ur next dinner. @jk_rowling

Every 3rd Mon. of each month when the sun is set, I wear my Kimono. It contains beautiful hand-embroidery symbolizing my authority and power

Many of you seem "surprised" by the heat wave in L.A. I knew it was coming ever since I created my own 2-Year Extended Forecast back in 2012

. @BuzzFeed I don't want to live in a BuzzFeed world anymore, capiche? You do know that my connections in the newspaper industry run deep.

. @kelly_clarkson I take great offense to this. Why on Earth would I pay money for someone to make me cringe with their music?

Watching TV this evening and came across Shutter Island. I immediately cracked the following joke, "What is this, Curtain Peninsula?"

Exciting news - the National Treasure Reboot is set for a 2016 release! #NationalTreasureReboot

Hi @jimmyfallon great shows last week. You had me FALLon out of my chair laughing. Faxing you legal documentation so you can use that joke.

If you don't check my @IMDb profile daily, I don't consider you a fan...or a decent human with any reason for life existence.

Look at this convo w/ @Peaceversal, who goes by "Black Jesus." I'm an almighty, feared, dominant presence on Twitter.

@Peaceversal @TheRealMikeEpps Oh, but you were, "Black Jesus." Remember who you're talking to? That's what I thought. Reply at your own risk

.@Peaceversal @TheRealMikeEpps It won't be.

.@TheRealMikeEpps *On Demand

Wrote down my phone number in Roman numerals for a beautiful Hollywood woman today. I followed by saying, “How ROMANtic,” and smirked.