Craig Ovens

The king of sting is back... #Butlins

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Hemel Hempstead man, Mark Thartley, 65, has been hospitalised after being mistaken for the real Sir Keir Starmer at yesterday's Unite The Kingdom protest.

Anybody in London today?

Got blocked by the pants sniffer.

Pipe down and sniff that big bin bag of Zack Polanski's pants.

@MoyesB0y @MalcolmDeDodd Bit rich of you calling people freaks when you look like a egg that's gone bad.

@MalcolmDeDodd Most of us can accept the reality of our bodies unlike some of you freaks

The emerging political climate in this country is truly something else

@SamaHoole Custard nonce.

Every British school dinner between 1944 and 1980 ended with custard. Real custard. Made in a steel jug the size of a small child. Whole milk, double cream, egg yolks from the school kitchen, a vanilla pod if the dinner ladies were feeling generous, sugar, cornflour. Heated until it coated the back of a wooden spoon. A skin formed on the top by the time it reached the dining hall. Poured over a sponge pudding, a slice of treacle tart, a wedge of apple crumble, a spoonful of jam roly-poly, the flat brown thing called Manchester tart that nobody could quite explain. The custard was the point. The dessert beneath it was a vehicle. The skin on top was either fought over or refused, depending on the child. There was no middle ground. Whole tribal allegiances among nine-year-olds were determined by the custard skin question. By 2010 most British school custards came from a powdered packet, mixed with hot water, containing modified maize starch, palm oil, emulsifier, colour, and a flavour described on the label as "vanilla flavouring (vegetarian)". It does not form a skin. The skin was the egg yolk and the cream coagulating at the surface as the custard cooled. The packet does not contain either. An entire generation of British children has now grown up without the dinner-hall ritual of arguing about whether the skin is the best part or the worst. The argument has been resolved by removing the cause of it. The recipe is six ingredients. The pan is in the cupboard. Try it on Sunday.

Sounds like you're offended, mate. Proper triggered. 😂🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂

@London_W4 Ark at the sauce nonce here, sounding off about sauce. 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mornin’. Turns out that even HP sauce isn’t made in Britain. It’s made in the Netherlands. A sauce that has the Houses of Parliament on the front. A sauce that couldn’t be more British. Except it isn’t. It’s foreign. Like 99 percent of people I saw on my way here. There is no nation anymore. There’s just a land where people from around the world come for a better life. A better life for them. Not Britain.

British journalists when somebody says MPs are pissheads.

@Glinner I like the bit at the end where you awkwardly try to turn the camera off.

Green Party broadcast

I just want my country back

Thrilled to see this in Gower Street Waterstones today.

@grumpypostie @churnwell @OldGassy1984 They're Mancunians, mate.

@churnwell @OldGassy1984 ... for Europeans

Life in Iran before the revolution.

Bound to offend a few snowflakes. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂

Who remembers Hero to Zero on the BBC, in which a young boy has many adventures while receiving advice from a terrifying specter of Dean Spink emerging from a haunted poster on his wall?

For too long normal people in Great Britain have been #PoundedAtThePumps. Enough is enough. We are TIRED. 🇬🇧

@GoodwinMJ Matt, if millions of people agree with you, why did you fail to win a by-election a few weeks ago?