HalfaPerson

@fesshole You probably weren’t “with it” now to do nightclubs more like

I'm a DJ. People ask why I don't DJ in nightclubs anymore. Well I'm paid three times as much plus it's easier to pull at a wedding. And let's not forget free buffet.

@fesshole Pot the reds in,stew back

I could never understand why they didn't put snooker commentary on the radio. But now we have bluetooth I can listen to the snooker in the other room. I'm not lending them my eyes when I could be making a stew.

Didn't realise that house cats could be male until I was at a friend's house and said 'bill' was a strange name for a cat. I was 15. I still cringe thirty years on.

@anon_opin Why is this on here less than a month later?

Best Car of the Year awards should not be collected by anyone from sales and marketing. It should be engineers and designers on stage, seeing as they're the ones who actually did the work being celebrated.

@anon_opin Quite the word salad you’ve created here

Referring to generations as if they are monolithic blobs is no different than treating everyone with a shared heritage as the same. "Jokes" that rely on that will be treated with the disdain of mother-in-law and racist jokes from the 70s are now.

@fesshole Is the fess you call your local barber “hip”?

Went for a haircut at my local hip barbers, local dealer sat in there boasting how much he makes in a week. Then comes the Tommy Robinson praise. Had enough, I decided on the spot I'd grass him to crimestoppers. Sent address and reg number, he was busted two weeks later.

@anon_opin Lucky if they do arrive

DPD is the worst delivery company because their alerts read 'your parcel will arrive between 12.00 - 1.00', when obviously they should read 'between 12.00 and 1.00' or 'from 12.00 - 1.00'. Absolute psychos.

@anon_opin YouTube Chile?

If Jimi Hendrix was starting out today he'd be a guitar influencer on YouTube doing gear reviews and selling guitar courses for learning guitar. Why do none of these guys actually make music?

@_DerekMcHugh_ @fesshole Woofer

@fesshole Agatha Bitchtie (sorry, that was the best dog/mystery pun I could come up with)

Part of the reason i agreed to get a dog was I was hoping to find or discover something interesting like a dead body or evidence of a crime, always read in the local paper that such things were "found by a dog walker". Seven years in and found nothing, gutted.

@fesshole The only fess I’ve ever believed!

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: sites.google.com/view/fesshole

@anon_opin I think this is just a “you” problem

I'm 100% sure that the sadistic bastard who invented mint & tea tree shower gel chuckles to themselves when they think of the thousands of people who, every day, lather up their "bits" in the shower and suffer the spicy consequences.

@anon_opin So wait a few years then review it?

Most album reviews are disposable because they're written too soon. "what do I think after two listens?" Is a shit way of reviewing. Some albums take years before you realise how great they were, or how over hyped.

@fesshole Cracked Actor

I am an actress and have done some nude scenes. Nothing sexy about them. A cameraman once told the crew in a loud and disgusted voice that the soles of my feet were dry and cracked, so we had to stick them under the sheets with the rest of my body on display.

@fesshole Pressing lift buttons is the standard on here now

My office has 3 floors and one slow lift, when taking the stairs from the ground floor to second if I spot people waiting for the lift I press the button on the first floor as I go up, petty, but they shouldn't be such lazy arses.

@fesshole Nobody gets a reputation as the well-behaved kid!

I grew up with the reputation of being a quiet and well-behaved kid, compared to the noisy kids in the neighborhood whose parents had a tough time managing them. I learned only recently that it was because I was fed cake that had been soaked in rum to knock me out.

@mafyoog @anon_opin

@anon_opin I'd stick my Richard in her bucket

I love Keeping Up Appearances, but it's hard to overlook how much it trivialised sexual assault by having so many old posh men touch Hyacinth up against her will.

@fesshole She was wanting Bourbones though

After breakfast, I let my dog have one of my custard creams, and in exchange, I get one of her chicken gravy flavoured biscuits. They are amazing.

I know it's bad for you but I love not chewing my food. My favourite meal is chilli con carne with rice as I can just shovel it down the back of my throat like a boiler man slinging coal into a furnace on an ocean liner.

@fesshole What’s with all the ear wax fesses this year?

I've let my dog sample every one of my bodily excretions. He seems to like ear wax the best. This probably doesn't need stating but I live alone, except for the dog.

@fesshole A Barclaysman?

Inexplicably I still remember the name of my bank manager from when I opened my Barclays account at 18. I periodically stalk him on LinkedIn to see how he's getting on.