ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ

It actually happened. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Apparently it's #CowAppreciationDay. Udderly ridiculous if you ask me.

Apparently, the pilot is testing his eyesight just to make sure he’ll be ok for a transatlantic flight in a day or two. Sorry, that’s obviously not the case. It’s collecting information for a mapping software company.

Watch those calories dad...

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

Back for a one off Christmas special, a bit like Gavin and Stacey. Happy Christmas everyone! #oracleoftemple #temple #londonunderground @tfl

Of course I touch myself when I think about you. It's called a face palm.

C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Did the person who invented the door knocker win a Nobel prize?

The Cure were going to play Glastonbury but they already had The Vaccines and so they weren't needed.

Don't worry if you can't spell 'Armageddon'. It's not the end of the world.

Poor door. LOL

Ouch!

The man who invented predictive text died the other day. His funfair is next monkey.

Animal testing…

My little dog keeps biting through my guitar pedal. Well, he is a chewwahwah.

Before noon but aaaaaarrrrrrr-fter eight.

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

The barman says: "Sorry we don't serve timelords in here". Doctor Who walks into a bar.