Richard Bellikoff

"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates, early adopter of Twitter

"“In recent weeks, the closure of the Strait has cut off the world’s supply of Epstein files,” an Iranian government statement read. “Now, those files will flow freely to the four corners of the globe.”" open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"Distractions reportedly being considered include naming Kid Rock Attorney General, replacing Lincoln’s head on the Lincoln Memorial with his own, and putting Hannibal Lecter’s face on the dollar bill." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"Immediately after his announcement, Trump summoned his entire Cabinet to the Situation Room to brainstorm ideas before the two-week window expires." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"“Mark my words, this is your last chance before your next last chance. If you do not act immediately, I won’t hesitate to wait even longer. You may think I’m bluffing, but believe me when I say you will feel the full weight of my social media posts.”" theonion.com/trump-warns-ir…

"“Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons later,” the commander in chief wrote on Truth Social." theonion.com/trump-warns-ir…

"According to those familiar with the offer, the Iranians revised the US peace plan and added a 25th amendment." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"As news of the offer spread around the world, spontaneous dancing broke out in the streets of such cities as London, Berlin, and Nuuk, the capital of Greenland." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

@MysterySolvents "When you're a star, they let you do it."

What is Trump saying to the Easter bunny?

@MysterySolvents "Your farts stink."

What is the kid saying to Trump?

@MysterySolvents Hair gel on the rocks

What cocktail is Pete Hegseth drinking right now?

"Sucking up to Donald Trump, self-crowned sun king, is a Sisyphean task. Trying to keep up with his whims, his revenge plots, his insatiable need for slobbering praise, his disdain for the law, will always be a losing battle." nytimes.com/2026/04/04/opi…

"At press time, the horse had reportedly stomped his hoof twice to order a ferocious bombing campaign and then toppled over into a pile of straw." theonion.com/pete-hegseth-r…

@JoJoFromJerz Joining the Bongino podcast. They could call it Bondigino or BonBon.

Ok, let’s play a little game — what new job would be perfect for Pam Bondi? 😈

"“First Kristi Noem, and now Pam Bondi,” the official Iranian statement read. “The dominoes are falling one by one.” Iran said that, although the US claims Donald J. Trump is still in power, “His speech last night did not prove that he is still alive.”" open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"I suspect there was not a speechwriter who worked on this effort so much as an intern whose job it was to cut and paste the President’s Truth Social feed into a document that could be fed into his teleprompter." newyorker.com/news/letter-fr…

@RichardHaass On the first night of Passover he thinks he's a Pharaoh. #NoPharaohs #NoKings

Totally mystifying why Trump asked for 20 minutes in prime time on the first night of Passover to deliver a nothingburger of a speech that changed not a thing. Makes no sense.

@MysterySolvents His message was, either hit the Mute button or change the channel.

I watched Trump’s address and have no idea what his message was.. do you?

@MonicaCrowley @Freedom250 Every American? All 330 million of us?

🚨 BIG NEWS 🚨 As part of America’s 250th Birthday, President Trump announces: "On May 17, I’m inviting every American to the National Mall for a day of prayer." We are going to return America to One Nation Under God 🙏🏻 @Freedom250

"At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt said only that Trump was well-rested for his televised address, having spent the day sleeping at the Supreme Court." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…

"The Islamic Republic’s ultimatum drew immediate and strong support from Greenland, Canada, and the rest of NATO." open.substack.com/pub/borowitzre…