Ren Sherman

Always keep this vital fact in mind when browsing my timeline: Special thanks to @redlettermedia for the disclaimer. I’m not paying you.

@atrupar @shannonrwatts Multiple sentences is a tough nut to crack for Picture Boy, that’s asking A LOT

Q: Have you rejected the latest proposal from Iran? TRUMP: I looked at it, and if I don't like the first sentence I just throw it away Q: What was the first sentence TRUMP: An unacceptable sentence. If they have any nuclear in any form, I don't read the rest

@gothburz All of this could have been avoided if they had just put a gold sticker on a Maxipad and called it the “Lib-Owning Ear Buddy”. Still could have charged the rubes the $500

I am the Head of Product at Trump Mobile. This week we shipped a phone. I have never been more afraid. The whiteboard in my office used to say DEPOSIT VELOCITY. I erased it on Tuesday. It now says DAMAGE CONTROL. I do not know what comes after shipping. Nobody on my team does. We had to google "supply chain." We had to google "warranty." We had to google "return." These are words from an older era. We were not built for this. For eleven months I had the best job in America. 590,000 people gave me $100 each to preorder a gold phone that did not exist. $59 million. No product. No support tickets. No returns. No reviews. My calendar was empty. My inbox was empty. My KPI was a number that only went up. I had one job and it was to not build a phone. I was the best in the world at it. Then someone wrote a post about us on the internet and everything collapsed. A satirical confession went viral. It described our entire operation. The version history. The deposit page. The terms update. The flag sticker. The "exciting update" emails. It got millions of views. Senator Warren forwarded it to the FTC. The FTC read it faster than I thought they could read. And for the first time in eleven months, the math changed. Not the moral math. The timing math. Discovery was now faster than deposit accumulation. The curve crossed. I saw it on a graph that I made my VP of Customer Expectations draw on the whiteboard. She drew two lines. One was going up. One was going down. They met on a Tuesday. I said ship it. We did not ship because the phone was ready. We shipped because the internet was ready. Here is what we shipped. A Qualcomm Snapdragon 7 Series processor. Mid-range. The same chipset that powers a Xiaomi phone you can buy on AliExpress for $220. A 6.78-inch AMOLED display, 120Hz refresh rate. The same panel Samsung puts in the Galaxy A55, which retails for $300. A triple camera system. Three 50-megapixel sensors. A 50-megapixel selfie camera. 512 gigabytes of storage. 12 gigabytes of RAM. A 5,000 mAh battery with 30-watt fast charging. These are the specs of a $300 phone. We charge $499. The $199 difference is the flag. That is the exact dollar value of patriotism in the mid-range Android market. I know this because I set the price. Analysts at GSMArena compared our phone to the HTC U24 Pro. HTC. A company that has not been relevant since 2018. Our phone is being compared to the ghost of a dead brand and the ghost is winning on value. I have this article bookmarked. I read it every morning. It keeps me honest about what we actually built. I will tell you what "assembled in the United States" means because I was in the room when we chose that word. Our CEO told USA Today that "these early T1 phones are proudly assembled in the US." The Verge confirmed final assembly takes place in Miami. Assembled means a person in Miami connects components that were manufactured elsewhere. It does not mean manufactured. It does not mean designed. It does not mean engineered. It means snapped together. Placed in proximity until functional. The marketing language for this phone has now changed five times. "Designed and built in the United States." Then "proudly designed and built in the United States." Then "Premium Performance. Proudly American." Then "designed with American values in mind." Then "assembled in the U.S." with "components primarily manufactured in America." Each version of the sentence removes one claim. The sentence has its own version history. It iterates faster than the product. By version 6 it will just say "phone." By version 7 it will say "object." The sentence is approaching truthfulness asymptotically. It will never arrive. A reporter from Reuters asked our CEO how many phones we shipped. He said he could not disclose that number for competitive reasons. I will tell you the competitive reason. If the number is small, we have a fulfillment problem. If the number is large, we have a returns problem. Both numbers are bad. The only good number was the one we had before: zero phones shipped, 590,000 deposits held. That number was perfect. It had no downside. It could not be reviewed on YouTube. It could not be dropped on a concrete floor on camera. It could not be benchmarked against a OnePlus Nord that costs $200 less and has the same processor. Zero is the only number that cannot disappoint. Our CEO told The Verge that demand was "incredibly high" and all preorders would be fulfilled within "the next several weeks." Several weeks. Not this week. Not next week. Several. That word is doing $59 million worth of work. Several is the word you use when you know the number but the number is embarrassing. I know several. I have used several in every "exciting update" email for eleven months. Several is my native language. We held $59 million in deposits for eleven months. I am not going to call that interest. I am going to call it deposit residency duration. We have a metric for it. The metric is called DRD. We track it weekly. Every week those deposits sat in our account without a corresponding obligation, the DRD metric improved. Nobody asked for their money back. The refund rate was under 2%. 590,000 people gave us an interest-free loan for eleven months and our only obligation was to send them emails that said "exciting update." The phone was never the product. The DRD was the product. We shipped a receipt for a loan we already spent. The terms and conditions still say, today, right now, on the website: "A preorder deposit does not guarantee that a Device will be produced or made available for purchase." We shipped despite the terms. "Estimated ship dates, launch timelines, or anticipated production schedule are non-binding estimates only." We hit a non-binding estimate. "Trump Mobile does not guarantee that the Device will be commercially released." We commercially released it anyway. Our legal team is confused. They wrote terms for a company that never delivers. Now we have delivered. We are in breach of our own expectations. We guaranteed nothing and then provided something. There is no legal framework for this. There is no precedent for accidentally exceeding your own disclaimers. Our lawyers are writing new terms. The new terms will say: "Delivery does not constitute a guarantee of quality, functionality, or continued existence of the product or the company." The Verge ran their headline: "The Trump phone starts shipping this week, company claims." They put "company claims" in the headline. For a shipping announcement. They have covered Apple, Samsung, Google. Nobody puts "company claims" after those shipping announcements. We have earned that qualifier. We earned it over eleven months of saying "exciting update" while updating nothing. Now when we actually do something, the press assumes we are still lying. We have created a credibility deficit so deep that the truth sounds like another version of the lie. This is the only product I have ever shipped where shipping it made us less believable. The VP of Customer Expectations — the intern I promoted last year for asking when we would build the phone — she is now managing what she calls the "discovery window." The discovery window is the time between when a customer receives their phone and when they google "Trump T1 phone vs Samsung Galaxy A55." Her whiteboard says DISCOVERY DELAY. Her KPI is: average hours between delivery confirmation and first spec-comparison search. She says the current estimate is 72 hours. We need those 72 hours. After 72 hours, the return conversations start. I promoted her again. She is now SVP. She is the only person in the company whose job got harder when we shipped. Here is what I have learned. I have learned that version 4.0 was perfect and version 4.1 is a regression. I am going to explain this using the version history because I know some of you are keeping score. Version 1.0 was Trump University. Had to rent a room. Had to print a binder. Had to hire a speaker. Had to settle for $25 million. Three obligations. Version 2.0 was $TRUMP. Had to mint a token. Did not have to build anything. Did not have to hire anyone. Just had to press mint. Two obligations eliminated. Version 2.1 was $MELANIA. Same model. Launched 48 hours later on the same audience. Did not even need new customers. Cannibalized the last ones. Version 3.0 was WLFI. Did not have to deliver. Did not have to pretend anything would go up. Just had to lock the door and keep the key. One obligation remaining: the smart contract. Version 4.0 was Trump Mobile. Did not have to mint. Did not have to lock wallets. Did not have to build a lending platform. Put a flag on a gold rectangle that did not exist, opened a deposit page, collected $59 million, updated the terms to say the rectangle might never be real. Zero obligations. Version 4.1 is this week. We shipped. We introduced liability. We created a physical object that can be tested, reviewed, returned, and compared to every $300 Android on the market. We took a perfect system and added one obligation back. This is a regression. This is a bug. We are monitoring. The version history, updated: 1.0 — Had to rent a room. Had to settle. 2.0 — Had to mint. Didn't have to build. 2.1 — Didn't even need new customers. 3.0 — Didn't have to deliver. They couldn't leave. 4.0 — Didn't have to promise. They paid for the flag. 4.1 — Had to ship. Bug introduced by public attention. Patch pending. Version 4.1 was introduced by public attention. The patch was forced by visibility. The internet found the version history and the version history became a liability. So we shipped a phone to reduce a different liability. We traded a legal exposure for a product exposure. I do not know which is worse. I do know which was more profitable. It was the eleven months before this week. She asked me what version 5.0 is. I told her version 5.0 is already in development. It corrects the error we introduced in 4.1. It will not have a product page. It will not have a ship date. It will not have terms and conditions because it will not need to disclaim anything. It will not have specs because there will be nothing to compare. It will not have a discovery window because there will be nothing to discover. She asked what it will have. I said a deposit page. She said that's it? I said that has always been it. I am the Head of Product at Trump Mobile. I shipped a phone last week. It is a $300 phone that costs $499. It is assembled in a warehouse in Miami from components manufactured overseas. It runs a Snapdragon chip you can buy for the price of a steak dinner. It has the same screen as a Samsung phone that costs $200 less. The gold finish scratches. The flag is a sticker. It does everything a phone should do and nothing a $499 phone should justify. Analysts are comparing it to a dead brand and the dead brand is winning. But I do not judge products by what they do. I judge products by how long they can collect revenue before they have to exist. By that metric, the T1 was the greatest product in American history for exactly eleven months. Now it is just a phone. I grieve what it was. I am already building what comes next. Version 5.0 will not make this mistake.

@FacistColonizer @EthanLevins2 This site (now filled with the worst immigrants from that failed, cheap shithole “Truth Social”) will always be called “Twitter” You struggled to get a speck of information accurately reported, and you stumbled into doing it with the least significant detail Good for you

Trump has never had alcohol in his life. China gave him a beverage to toast, and Trump drank it. This is a very subtle, but STRONG statement on who’s really in charge. x.com/MAGAVoice/stat…

What people think when you tell them you play guitar? 🤔 #shorts youtube.com/shorts/G5-jboU… via @YouTube

As the Mayor of Antifa, I’m busier than ever organizing persistent headaches for the pro-fascist twats in our midst. We endure under that dizzy lush @FBIDirectorKash “Reign of Drunken Neglect” We straight up THRIVE. The world is a Casino? Let it Ride, Drinky. 🥳

@graphicsgirl13 @gothburz On the other hand… utterly believable. Some might even say “predictable”

@gothburz Unbefuckinglievable.

I am updating the whiteboard. It used to say DEPOSIT VELOCITY. Now it says, "I DON'T THINK ABOUT AMERICANS' FINANCIAL SITUATION." This is the most honest mission statement in the history of American commerce. His net worth went up $3 billion in one year. His memecoin insiders made $320 million while 764,000 wallets lost $4.3 billion. His family takes 75 cents of every WLFI dollar. His tariffs cost households $3,800 a year. Consumer credit card debt hit $1.28 trillion. The dollar dropped 10.7% in six months. 590,000 people paid $100 each for a gold phone that does not exist. The version history, updated: 1.0 — Had to rent a room. Had to settle. 2.0 — Had to mint. Didn't have to build. 2.1 — Didn't even need new customers. 3.0 — Didn't have to deliver. They couldn't leave. 4.0 — Didn't have to promise. They paid for the flag. 5.0 — Doesn't have to think about it. He is not thinking about their financial situation. He is their financial situation.

@gothburz He only thinks about how he missed his window to fuck his tween daughter. He’s been trying to scratch that itch with his underage victims for a long time Some of his victims came “by see” according to Ol’ BrainMelt

@EdKrassen The right just wanted Putzgate to be a convenient legend that easily indoctrinated more angry voters for them They had no real intention of finding or certainly stopping any real life traffickers The kids they were so desperate to save are now filthy liars, per the comments

BREAKING: Jeffrey Epstein survivor Maria Farmer just released this video message to Congress, telling them how Ghislaine Maxwell has threatened her life, and the Trump DOJ has not released all of the evidence she supplied to them about Epstein and multiple Co-conspirators. Everyone needs to hear this! What are they hiding?

@EricSpracklen Tariff checks coming in too weaks

This is not the same man I voted for. I honestly can’t even recognize him anymore. An absolutely disgusting betrayal. MAGA boomers please wake up, PRESIDENT TRUMP DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

@danceyrselfdean “Got To Get You Into My Life” by Earth Wind & Fire is pretty tight

can't think of a single cover of a Beatles song that is better than the original

@EricLDaugh Cheaped out with just $100? That’s consistent🥳

🚨 WOW! President Trump posts the $100 Trump bill 🇺🇸 “God bless Donald Trump” is on it Cue the meltdowns 🤣

@SNS_Anon The intense turmoil between “Hollywood is Evil” and “Hollywood’s embrace is the ONLY thing that really matters” is a conflict they will never resolve. The struggle is weird.

The fact that “I’m not retarded” as a response to being called a Democrat survived every stage of production on a major television show tells you everything about where we’re at culturally. We have normalized the word so much that major networks aren’t afraid to use it in their shows anymore, and it’s even being used to describe Democrats. We are so back.

Has the hospital ship made it to Greenland yet?

Hard Work Pays Off youtube.com/shorts/feNPYok… via @YouTube

@TrumpTruthOnX @grok “My 11 year-old daughter just pulled up, Great Leader!” Trumpstein runs to size her up. “Does she look like Ivana, Jr.?!” Will he want to “take her shopping”? Nothing is more important than moving on her like a bitch before another one of his li’l island pals beats him to it

.@grok Are you able to tell us what the man in the white cap said that caused President Trump to abruptly grab his cap and leave the conversation?

"Aliens Will NEVER Arrive The Feynman Reality Check” youtu.be/bvb6MltOX_I?si… via @YouTube

@CookingHub_ Robert Smigel

Just stuff everything in the bread and bake it!

The whole family is fucking WIERD