GoldenzRule

@ThrillaRilla369 You're fired! But you can't leave until we find your replacement.

Being the only one who can prevent forest fires is really starting to stress me out.. 😩

@NoobLapras @XCzsnx Maybe they did it three times on the same day. 😂 (I thought the same thing when I read that).

@XCzsnx "on purpose?" What? How would that even be possible?! 😂

my sister's baby announcement at Thanksgiving was going fine until she handed out envelopes and told everyone to open them at the same time. we opened them. they were ultrasound photos. normal. sweet. then my dad said "why are there two babies" and my sister said "twins" and everyone cheered. then my brother said "wait why are there THREE" and my sister went quiet. my mom said "what do you mean three" and we all looked closer. three distinct babies in the ultrasound. my sister started crying. her husband said "we just found out yesterday." my grandma said "triplets?" and my sister nodded. my brother's wife said "on purpose?" and my sister said "definitely not." my mom asked if they were okay and my sister said "terrified but yeah." my dad stood up and said "we're gonna need a bigger table" which made everyone laugh-cry. my brother offered them his old crib. my aunt offered baby clothes. my grandma offered to move in for six months. the babies are one now. my sister says she doesn't remember the first year at all. we have a rotation schedule for helping. my dad built a bigger table. family's just showing up with cribs when someone's drowning in babies.

Don’t get a cute dog. They will commit crimes then emotionally manipulate you with their eyes​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​.

@ThrillaRilla369 Truer words were never spoken. Lol. I have THREE of those "cute" dogs and all of them are felons.

@HistorianUSA1 Someone should do an AI of what she will look like at 75.

Exhibit A in “How to ruin your own life before 25”: Almost-25-year-old rolls into a tattoo shop to cover up her latest regrettable elbow decision… and the artist simply notices reality: rainbow hair, face tattoos that look like they lost a bet with a Sharpie, lip piercings straight out of a “hire me never” starter pack, neck barbed wire (peak approachable energy), spiderweb for extra edge, and hands covered in enough random symbols to qualify as a walking “do not hire” sign. Artist: “How old are you?” “Almost 25.” Artist: “That’s a lot going on with your face for somebody who’s not even 25 yet.” Our protagonist’s brilliant defense? “I only have two face tattoos” while frantically pointing at their forehead, eye drips, neck, and hands like they’re counting participation trophies. Then they hit 13. Because apparently everything from the neck up (and the hands) doesn’t count if you squint hard enough and lie to yourself. Nothing says “I make excellent long-term decisions” like turning your face and hands into a permanent billboard for “I peaked during my edgy phase and now I’m surprised the world treats me accordingly.” The artist didn’t “judge.” They observed the obvious consequences of a string of poor choices and had the audacity to say it out loud. This is NOT peak self-expression and empowerment. It’s a masterclass in making every future job interview, relationship, and opportunity harder than it needed to be.

@Mr_Husky1 I always ask for the old parts back.

A mechanic called me 20 minutes after I dropped off my car and said, “You need to come back here. Don’t authorize anything over the phone.” That sentence alone had me worried. I’d taken the car in because of a weird knocking sound whenever I turned left. I was expecting bad news. Suspension, steering rack, something expensive. When I got back, the mechanic was standing beside my car holding a printed estimate. “Did another shop work on this recently?” I nodded. “Two weeks ago. They charged me $1,400 for front-end repairs.” He stared at me. “Do you still have the receipt?” I pulled it up on my phone. He read it, then handed the phone back. “They charged you for parts that aren’t on this car.” I laughed because I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He put the car on the lift and pointed underneath. “See these control arms? Original. These bushings? Original. According to your receipt, they replaced all of them.” I said, “Maybe they used refurbished parts?” He shook his head. “No. They didn’t replace anything.” Then he showed me the actual problem. One loose bolt. “That’s the knocking sound?” “Yep.” “How much?” He shrugged. “I already tightened it.” I asked him what I owed him. “Nothing.” I stood there staring at a $1,400 receipt from the other shop while this man refused to charge me for fixing the actual problem. Before I left, he said, “I’m not telling you what to do, but if I were you, I’d go back there with this receipt.” So I did. The manager looked at it for maybe five seconds before saying, “We can issue a refund.” No argument. No investigation. Just an immediate refund. And somehow, that made me even angrier. Because people don’t usually hand back $1,400 that quickly unless they already know exactly why you’re asking. By ivy_babygirl123

@__0HOUR1_ Probably caused by taking too big a di¢k up your a$$...som-ing gonna tear.

Squeezing Ketchup up your ass is not a monthly period.

@TinaKotek Then why won't you turn over our very secure voter rolls as requested? What are you hiding? You are just another corrupt, blow hard id10t.

President Trump’s rants about past elections threaten our entire democracy. Oregon has been conducting secure, accessible elections by vote-by-mail for decades. We will not let President Trump silence Oregonians. Democracy and fair elections are not negotiable.

@SpeakerPelosi Says the drunken old hag.

Obviously, Donald Trump is a loser.

@ThrillaRilla369 What?!? You mean people don't???

Ok… stupid question. Did anyone else put potato chips on their sandwich?

@end3of6days9 Tried it. Failed. Result: Balled up fitted sheets.

This woman has had it with all of us who still can’t fold a fitted sheet. She’s yelling the whole time like she’s personally offended that some of us are still out here balling them up and shoving them in the closet. It feels exactly like my mom teaching me for the 100th time while I stand there pretending I understand. Fitted sheets remain my greatest enemy… and she’s not letting any of us off the hook. Be honest… are you still just balling yours up? Life is too short to fight with a fitted sheet, just ball it up and hide it under your nicely folded flat sheet. That's what I think.

@JoeBiden @littlebrown Did it have to be translated from gibberish?

I’ve written a book about my time as President. It’s called PROMISE ME, AMERICA. It’s coming out November 17th and is available for preorder now.  promisemeamerica.com @littlebrown

@Breaking911 If he was a woman I could see why they say we couldn't figure out how to get ID to vote.

STUCK WHERE?!?!? Firefighters in Kansas City were forced to cut apart a portable toilet after a man somehow became trapped beneath the seat in a strange rescue.

@catturd2 Good he was annoying as hell.

I've noticed ... former loudmouth Eric Swalwell sure is awfully quiet these days.

@Chris__X__ Cold

Ice cream is the topic. What’s your go to? Mine is anything with peanut butter involved.

@XCzsnx Goldens are gifts from God! I should know, I have three of them. ❤️❤️❤️ Way to go Benny, way to represent!!

I took my dog Benny to the park last Saturday because he had that specific level of zoomies where he looks like he’s late for an important meeting. Benny is a golden retriever, which means he believes every human gathering is for him personally. We were doing fine until we passed the picnic area. There was a toddler birthday party happening, all pastel balloons and tiny chairs and cupcakes on a folding table. Benny froze. I said: Don’t even think about it. He absolutely thought about it. Some little girl spotted him and gasped like a Disney princess. Little girl: Puppy! And then twenty toddlers turned in unison like a tiny audience in a sitcom. Benny wagged once, as if accepting his invitation, and trotted directly into the party before I could stop him. I was mortified. Me: I am so, so sorry. Birthday mom, laughing: Honestly, this is the best thing that’s happened all day. Benny immediately sat down next to the birthday girl, who patted his head like she’d booked him weeks in advance. Birthday girl: He’s soft. Another kid: Is this the entertainment? One dad said: This party just got a major budget increase. I kept trying to clip the leash back on him, but every time I bent down, another tiny hand offered him a cracker or a strawberry. Me: He’s not actually supposed to eat off the charcuterie board. Grandma: It’s his charcuterie board now. Then they asked if Benny could stay for the cake song. I said: Only if he promises not to blow out the candles. He did not blow out the candles, but he did sit there wearing a paper party hat that someone gently placed on his head. There are photos. Many photos. At one point the birthday girl hugged his neck and whispered: Thank you for coming to my birthday. And I’m not kidding, Benny leaned into her like he understood every word. When we finally left, the mom handed me a goody bag. Me: This is for children. Mom: Today he was a child. So now my dog has attended more birthday parties this year than I have, and somewhere out there is a family photo album where my uninvited idiot is smiling in every picture like he paid for the venue.

@0liviajulianna Oh go eat another double bacon cheeseburger and hush up. Let the adults talk.

The fact that you have MAGATs saying this is the victims fault and that he tried to kill an ICE officer and DHS HASN’T EVEN FUCKING COMMENTED YET!

@hayleycaronia If you had CPR done correctly, your ribs would be broken. A man as frail and unwell as MM, he would not look that happy and youthful. It would take him months to recover.

Welcome to Hell

@hayleycaronia There is something mentally unstable with these feral animals.

imagine if these well fed degenerates took a boxing exercise class instead of fighting each other over who knows what

@praying_medic1 C 100% C! Deport ALL ILLEGALS!!! This guy had thirty years to go through the process. They are a cancer in our economy.

Her husband is being taken by ICE after being in America illegally for over 30 years. When you voted for President Trump, who did you want deported?? A. Just The V*olent Criminals B. Some Illegal Alien Families C. All Illegal Aliens x.com/Xmusknewsx/sta…