The Muse

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

I'm at the best part in life: friends are no longer getting engaged/married or having kids & just want to drink to forget their shitty lives

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

Spanish: The h is silent English: Many letters can be silent French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic THERAPIST [to me] Is that right? ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

[god creating jellyfish] how bout an evil bag

So I guess I live in California now. Weird.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that's why he doesn't want to shake your hand".

Diva: noun. Italian for "fat girl with over-inflated ego."

I'm not exactly happy. But I'm definitely not sad. And right now that's perfectly enough.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you're drunk enough

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@Squizbot ha! That's funny about money. I hope it stops hating you too! (Out of Europe...)

Did you just say "go east" instead of "turn right," you pompous little direction shitlord?

You compliant, docile little fuck.