Clarence Thomas

Marriage. Eh, you can have it, gays. Enjoy fupas and terribly-played children's soccer games.

.@SCOTUS_Clarence Oh nothin. Just in my chambers with Jesus, drinking whiskey in my boxers.

Love to have you on the #scotus liveblog at 9a. Or you could use a different source again this year. How’d that work out for you?

@SCOTUS_Scalia : I had to speak up. Losing you on these 4th Amendment cases, bro. You're going soft. Traitor.

@SCOTUS_Scalia <ahem!>

CONSTITUTION FACT: There is actually only one Amendment, the 2nd. It's just called the 2nd. It's like "Leonard Part 6."

I fully support North Carolina's new poll tax measure. How else are they supposed to protect the traditional institution of racism?

If two men can have a baby, can three men have a baby? 'Three Men and a Baby' didn't win an Oscar. Therefore, God disapproves.

"We should not stray too far from the Founders' ways," I said as I rode my horse down to the apothecary for witch-repellent.

In general, everything I don't like is unconstitutional.

CONSTITUTIONAL COMPROMISE: Gays can get married if they're landowners.

This Easter, remember that Jesus died for humanity's sins. So find a sinner and seek vengeance.

Deviant sex is just not compatible with our Judeo-Christian foundations, unless we're celebrating a man bunny who got pregnant by a chicken.

<clears throat>

Constitutionally speaking, black gay people are only 3/5ths of a gay person, so they can get 2/5ths married. #logic #originalism

Why don't gays wanna be in straight marriages? All marriages are founded on deceit. For example, my wife thinks I went to law school.

To be clear, nothing in the Constitution bars dog marriage. As long as the person and the dog are opposite sex. Just nothing weird.

I know corporations are people because most of my best friends are corporations. Frito-Lay and Jim Beam have always been there for me.

@SCOTUS_Scalia ...

Sex isn't that fun anyway. How about just no one does it. #Constitutional