Sacred

I screwed up big time. The internet has been right basically since the beginning, and it's taken me multiple waves of self reflection and internal fighting to get to the point where I can fully admit fault without holding back. I lied to the internet, repeatedly. I cheated, and betrayed the trust of countless people that believed in me. Viewers, family, friends. Everyone. Myself. I carry a lot of baggage, and you all got exposed to it in the worst way. I lied directly to @danielrensch. I lied directly to @WolfeyGlick and used him as a prop on stream. He didn't deserve that. None of you did. I messaged him directly to apologize, and I'll gladly do it on stream, too. I've spent a big part of my life being really good at games. When I suddenly wasn't good enough, I lied. Between games while waiting, they said to be sure to only have one Chess.com window open. So I was playing games against a computer on my other monitor using lichess.org where my chat window usually is to practice between rounds. Once I blundered my queen, I panicked. I used the analysis feature there and my brain couldn't stop after that. I figured out the lines, but every time I panicked after that, I did it again. It wasn't something that I planned on doing. I really did practice quite a bit leading up to the event. People kept asking me why I did it - I think I did it for a false sense of self validation. To convince myself that I could win when clearly I shouldn't have. It was disrespectful to the entire online chess community. I was stupid enough to not even considering the consequences of what I was doing. And I accept those consequences now, because I deserve it. I understand that people are going to question everything in my career now. I don't blame them. I was the guy that vocally hated people who cheated in video games, Tarkov is riddled with it. And I did the most hypocritical thing I could do. I talked about mental health on stream yesterday morning because that stuff is very real for me. I'm restarting therapy this afternoon, I found someone through Sondermind that was available almost immediately, which was nice. I clearly have a problem with honesty to myself and those that care about me. It sucks that it took something like this to blow up in my face, but I'm hoping that it results in me finally fixing problems with myself that I've had for years. I'm sorry. To everyone. My friends and family. People that watch me. Anyone that I associate with. I betrayed your trust. I hope one day people can forgive me, and I understand if they can't. I hope one day I can forgive myself, too. I'm typically pretty hard on myself.