Sam

@PhilipProudfoot @TheDoctorMagic You driving your cab as you’re saying this?

@TheDoctorMagic These days, if you say you're English, you get arrested and thrown in jail. Just for saying you're English.

My 92 year old grandad went to vote today in Gorton, and when he got to the polling station the attendants asked where he’s from. “I’m English!” He said. He was immediately arrested. “Just for saying I’m English!?” he shouted out, as he was dragged away from the polling station.

@fesshole My neighbour is so dumb he doesn’t know the difference between unkempt and unkept.

My neighbour left his driveway unkept for so long it was covered in weeds about knee high. Absolute eyesore. Fed up I called a chap who does garden work. Pretending to be my neighbour I asked him to sort it and pop the invoice through the letterbox. Problem solved, looks great.

@anon_opin Why does this need to be anon? No one had a clue what you’re on about!!

I don't allow terminate-and-stay-resident programs on my computer. In the old days they ate valuable RAM and clock cycles. Nowadays this makes zero sense. But I'd rather my computer be entirely untaxed, than constantly do something non-essential that uses 0.001% of its resources.

@RachelReevesMP @RollsRoyceUK What about apprentice hairdressers… where are they coming from because they certainly aren’t qualified to do the job when they only do it at college.

It was great to speak to apprentices at @RollsRoyceUK yesterday. This government is expanding the number of apprenticeship routes like these across the country, supporting more young people into well paid jobs of the future.

@fesshole This is bullshit

I'm a hairdresser. Those designer products you see hairdressers use on you, like hair wax for example? They're just designer packaging that were refilled with cheaper alternatives. There's no difference between the cheap and expensive stuff anyway, besides retail price.

@anon_opin Cos they can’t handle

'Gender profiling' of drinks exists. Order a beer and a wine and I guarantee you the beer is given to the man. Every single time.

@NotLikeMonopoly @fesshole I think it’s hilarious you feel like it’s not entirely his responsibility by betraying two people at once! Blame the person who thought he was single why don’t you.

@fesshole I mean you just ruined her life but okay.

I matched with a guy on a popular dating app. We hit it off and started seeing each other. Found out by coworker he was engaged to be married. I found an announcement online. I sent screenshots to her side of the family. I also sent her everything. They were on their honeymoon.

A date confided in me that when she was a child she was possessed by a demon and had to be exorcised by a priest. I didn't believe her but went with it because she's hot. Ended up spending a night at her place. She stood silently by the bed staring at me for 3 hours. Ghosted her.

Cutting your own hair is really not that hard, provided that you've watched the pros a bit and are capable of strategic thinking. The only truly difficult thing is maneuvering the scissors into the correct angle while looking at the back of your own head through 2 mirrors.

@UsuallyRanting @anon_opin ???

@anon_opin It was a load of bollocks. None of it stacked up. It was yet more Russia Russia Russia propaganda to get us to support the war against Russia they have been clamouring for for years. Whatever the truth of what happened near Porton Down it's not at all what the UK regime told us.

If anything, the British government's response to the Salisbury Novichok attack was underplayed. I mean, a chemical attack on the mainland that could have killed many, more more. WTF

@Sir56ALot @anon_opin That’s not what happened

My wife has a ring that her mum gave her before she died. I found where it was bought from, and had them make a duplicate copy should it ever become lost or damaged. My wife doesn't know, but it gives me peace knowing there's a replica should anything bad happen to it.

@anon_opin What are these ‘profits’ you speak of?

Tax credits for workers is basically a government subsidy for big businesses that pay their staff too little. Any company that employs people who claim benefits should pay the equivalent back from their profits.

@Pipes_n_pumps @fesshole Great story

@fesshole Never been to a Gregg’s, and I don’t think I ever will

When I'm in Greggs, and someone walks past the queue to look at the counter, if it's obvious what they want, and there's only 1 or 2 of that item left, I always buy them first even if I didn't want them.

@OlsterB Oops fill

@OlsterB I the mean time I find I can that gaping void with Puscifer pretty satisfactorily.

After pardoning his lad, Biden to tackle a more difficult decision, signing an executive order to force Tool to release a new album. I ain't getting any younger, any time in the next 20 years lads.

@OlsterB @anon_opin Amazing!!

@anon_opin The worst performance is Travoltas ponytail

Pulp Fiction is a great film but the worst acting performance in it is by Quentin Tarantino.

@Liamcafc1991 @MarkTommostuff Is all you can get

@Liamcafc1991 @MarkTommostuff Your 🙄

@tired_adam @anon_opin In Rainbows pretentious bollox??

@anon_opin First 3 albums: all great Everything afterwards: pretentious bollocks with the occasional gem

Radiohead studio albums in order from best to worst: 1. Kid A 2. OK Computer 3. The Bends 4. Amnesiac 5. In Rainbows 6. Moon Shaped Poo 7. Pablo Honey 8. King of Limbs 9. Hail to the Thief