Kayla Ruth

@cankylosaurus Yeah like i knew about her via old jokes before i knew her as a musician. Even Easy Street has a ham sandwich named for her which is like…is that a honor or a jab?

@Scoot_Kazoo Everyone was so mean to her!!! Even when she died the headlines were calling her fat 😢😓

The closest thing to digging the toy out of the cereal box as an adult is gently wiggling the pack of dressing and croutons out of the salad kit.

Omg how much do stoners love ever word of this headline

That ones for all the suns out there

If astrology ISN’T real then tell me why my 14degree sun is on the cusp of my 9th and 10th house and my 14 year old son is in a halfway house.

Man they use to pay a nickel for a hamburger, even back then that was only like a dollar

No one that isn’t autistic knows what allistic means. I propose the more intuitive “auts” and “aut-nots”.

Accept that I’m typing ASMR every single time or stop trying to pretend like you know me well enough to finish my sentences, phone.

Dr swabbing my throat for strep: It feels like when you brush your teeth and go too far back. Sure, that’s what it feels like, Sister Dr. God.

Oh it says here you’ve blocked for the sun? Say no more, we’d like you to be our new deodorant!

@RobWSchroeder The contest will be called Sadder Day Night Lives and whatever comic has the sadder day by that night “wins”.

@Scoot_Kazoo I hope I find something not sad too. But you’re probably more sad than me, but it isn’t a contest. But it could be. But there isn’t a sad contest… ‘yet’. “Please send happiness”. And a ‘literal’, ‘care’ package.

@IdiotBrainGuy 😉

@IdiotBrainGuy They do! They really do! They don’t know why but they do!

@IdiotBrainGuy I love spendy!

For the record he WOULD NOT.

God it’s like no one cares about 108 year old comedy anymore.

Why would *Charlie Chaplin* be SAYING this?

@CarellCasey Yeah but do you like this tweet or no?

@Scoot_Kazoo I'm misidentified as a murderous spy that no one will arrest because their expert team has fooled everyone with national-security-breach level cutting edge cyber crimes and an unbelievably long standing operation abusing children. All refuse to take a report or learn about it.

I’m a recovering codependent if that’s ok with you.