Papazilla667!

Her: I bought a wireless bra today. Him: What's the password?

me: ok now let’s do a silly one first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

going to jail to catch up on my reading

I never thought laundry detergent could go bad. But it seems the Tide has turned.

Saying Leonardo DiCaprio looks like Howard Hughes because he has a mustache is like saying I look like Charles Manson because I carved an X in my forehead

“Stick with me kid and you’ll learn things” Me: I already know how to be stupid

“What base is it when you share your chocolates?” Me eating MY chocolates: I wouldn’t know

*Steps on scale: Wow, I lost 2 lbs. Four hours later *Steps on scale: Wow, I gained 6 pounds.

A good way to explain taxes to children is to bring them to the beach with a plate full of french fries and explain to them that the seagulls are the government.

Getting a Brita water filter for my bidet.

A gynecologist who dabbles in magic just steady pulling baby after baby out of a woman...

I talk alot of shit for someone who takes an hour to stand up straight after waking up

if I were a serial killer I'd pick a cool nickname & work backwards

husband: do you know where the thing is me: husband: me: I would like to buy a noun

"I'd like to discuss your altitude at work." "Don't you mean attitude?" "We can't allow are employees to be high on the job."

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon? me: no, there's no oxygen 5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank? me: then yes 5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty? me: then no 5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen? me: is someone paying you to do this?

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car…. While using my phone as a flashlight.

Her: You're still partially dressed. Me: Yeah, this is my first time at a nudist beach. Her: Well, we all have to start some wear...

I’m under Tornado watch in a town in Texas. I always thought that meant “watch out! There might be tornadoes” but apparently it means sit on your porch and drink beer and watch the tornadoes.

(reaping what I sowed) fuck!

Pig: I'm paranoid everyone wants to eat me Therapist: I will cure you Pig: Oh no