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Rewrite 2: Kentucky Fried Colonel Cannibal Island: Part 1: Nuking Paradise..( Cold War Kubrick satire). The year is 1964. The cold war crackles like a poorly tuned radio. Lt. Colonel Kent Sanders, a man whose name ironically foreshadows his culinary destiny, crash lands on Cannibal Island, a dot on the map populated by 150,000 enthusiastic cannibals.. His mission: rescue Princess Ilihani Mallihouana from her father, King Malliouhana, a monarch with a penchant for volcanic sacrifices and well done foods. Meanwhile, back at the War Department, General Sterling Hayden, presides over a chaotic scene. "Manderake," he bellows, a halo of cigar smoke swirling around his head, "150,000 cannibals! How is this even possible?" RAF Group Commander Miles Manderake: a bureaucrat with british accent says "We thought.Colonel Sanders would influence their dietary choices but it appears to have backfired, they definitely prefer the original 1779 Captain Cook with a dash of vintage 1937 Amelia Earhardt... Hayden, eyes gleaming with a mixture of madness and hunger, unveils a 2-foot-tall bucket. "Manderake, we must be all inclusive, and learn to adapt! Have you tried " Kentucky Fried Colonel"? This recipe makes Majors extremely jealous and Generals total sadists".. Simultaneously, Operation Mike 2 is underway. A hydrogen bomb, nicknamed "The Big Boy," is about to be detonated on another Bikini Atoll. The official justification? "To observe the effects of thermonuclear radiation on.. geological formations." Unofficially, a cadre of scientists in white coats, led by the disturbingly cheerful Dr. Tranglove (who keeps referring to the bomb as "my precious"), are obsessed with one simple question? "What happens to a beautiful girl in a bikini next to a hydrogen bomb at ground zero?" Sanders, amidst the chaos of Cannibal Island, finds Ilihani. She's not exactly distressed. Turns out, she's in on the whole volcano thing – it's a family tradition. But she is tired of the island's limited culinary options. "Father only serves long pig," she sighs. "I crave something like you only burnt with My hot sauce" Part 2: Kentucky Fried Diplomacy (Romancing the Bone). Sanders, armed with Hayden's Kentucky Fried Colonel recipe, attempts to win over King Malliouhana. The King, a fat man with a crown made of sharpened bones, is initially skeptical. But the aroma of the Colonel… reminiscent of the Captain Cook was a higher rank of beefcake and gastronomically irresistible. He takes a bite. His eyes widen. "This," he declares, "is far superior to Uncle Kebob!" A culinary détente is reached. Sanders, and Ilihani's ribs are spared. Sanders, surprisingly adept at deep-frying, becomes the island's celebrity chef. He and Ilihani, amidst the sizzling chicken and the occasional ritualistic chant, fall in love. It's a love story seasoned with the faint scent of… well, you know...
Back in the US, A Non-Governmental Agency staffed by individuals wearing black robes, goat masks and pentagram necklaces decree a new world order: "Anyone identifying as "Me/Myself or I is an existental threat to those who identify as they/them or their split personality disorders".. Therefore all men are to be evacuated from Cannibal Island and reassigned by Dept Of Education to be Chefs at all US schools.. Sanders and Illhani escape the deportation effort and escape the island on a raft. Part 3: The Return of the King (Horror) 5 years later, the US school system is revolutionized. The cafeterias serve… interesting dishes. The drumsticks are suspiciously large. Children begin to disappear. The lunch lines get smaller while the Cook's, ironically called "Captains".. get diametrically fatter..Jimmy complains that the drumsticks taste like grandma's laundrybasket, Julie complains that the Goulash tastes more like Ghoulash. Sanders and Ilihani, now living in blissful (and slightly paranoid) anonymity in the USA, receive a frantic call from their children's school. Kalhaku and Kalilui are missing! They rush to the school, only to find a scene of utter pandemonium. Parents are screaming, teachers are hiding, and the cafeteria… the cafeteria is eerily silent. They enter cautiously. A banquet is laid out. A giant cake, shaped like a volcano, dominates the room. Suddenly, King Malliouhana bursts from the cake, machete gleaming. He's been appointed FDA director! His mission: Spearhead a US Navy Pilot..program, and extradite Sanders and his family back to Cannibal Island for a truly “extra crispy” sacrifice. A chase ensues, a chaotic ballet of terror. Sanders, fights his way through the school yard with 2 foot chicken thighs. He’s a man possessed, a culinary warrior defending his family, King Malliouhana slips climbing down the cake and it erupts, the Sanders escape on a freighter. Part 4: Franchise of Fear.. Sanders and his family escape the US, leaving a trail of bewildered parents and half-eaten chicken nuggets in their wake. They return to Cannibal Island, where they open… Kentucky Fried Colonel... It's a booming business. The cannibals, now addicted to Sanders' secret recipe, have abandoned their old ways (mostly). But the horror… the horror lingers. The children, Kalhaku and Kalilui, have developed a… taste. They crave something more than chicken. Something human.. The final scene shows them, bathed in the golden light of the setting sun, eyeing a group of tourists who have just arrived on the island. A glint in their eyes and a chilling smile, spreads across their faces. Part 5: Gilligan's Island of Carnage (Comedy/Love Story/Horror) The final act is a bizarre blend of Gilligan's Island and a slasher film. The tourists, led by a clueless skipper and his equally clueless passengers, stumble upon Sanders' thriving franchise. They're initially charmed by the island's "exotic" atmosphere and the delicious food. But soon… they realize something is very, very wrong. Sanders, torn between his love for his family and his… well, his love for his family, must confront the monster he has inadvertently created. Ilihani, now a seasoned entrepreneur, worries more about the franchise's profit margins than the ethical implications of serving… the original Captain Cook recipe as well as the Kentucky fried Corporal recipe which included the Privates... A battleground ensues, a chaotic mix of cannibalistic chaos, deep-fried mayhem, and surprisingly tender moments of family bonding. Sanders, worked with the Professor to use the dracinius flower extract in a ginger spiced Mary Lamb recipe to make human flesh taste horrible to stop the cannibals from, you know.. Eating Ginger and Mary Ann. The ending is ambiguous. Did Sanders conquer his demons and create a truly harmonious, chicken-centric society? Or did the island's dark heart consume him, his family, did Thurston Howell have enough bubbly to quench the thirst of the cannibals? Or did the Headhunters leave behind a legacy of crispy, cannibalistic cuisine? The answer, like the Colonel's secret recipe, remains a mystery
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