Chris Finke

I'm trying to be less condescending. I bet you don't even know what that means.

(flirting) what's your confirmation name

Critics are calling my most recent act of folly a “return to form”

Been saving time by typing :90 instead of 1:30 on the microwave. Unfortunately I just spent a significant portion of it typing this tweet to tell you about it. Pretty much a wash now. Back to my life I guess.

THE UNBRIDLED GREATNESS OF TRAINS WILL ENDURE FOR A MILLION YEARS

If I had a headcase kicker, I'd invest in a golf simulator-style practice net for the sideline. I'd rig it to tell him that everything would have been good from 65, but I'd also add enough variance in distance and placement feedback so as not to arouse suspicion. He'd never miss.

Dad packed ziplocs of popcorn for the movie theater last night. Never been prouder to be a Finke.

Just tried to unlock the house with the button on my car keys. Hope to see a lot of big hits to the head and neck area this college football Saturday.

Couldn’t sleep last night so I counted sheep. Got to 8. Didn’t fall asleep, they just stopped showing up. I was up for hours waiting for the rest of them.

First ice cream cone to quiet the voices in my head. Second ice cream cone to enjoy. Third ice cream cone to make me sick.

I am a prolific improvisational jazz musician. Trouble is I can’t play any instruments. Thus I am condemned to scat.

Historians are hilarious. Buncha dudes acting like they were there

“Hey, you got any gum?” ”No. ” ”I can tell.”

Just ran a 6:00 mile in a suit and tie and backpack in the Charlotte airport trying to make a connection. People cheered for me as I went. “Hey!” and “Slow down, moron!” they shouted. Doors were closed, but I still feel like a winner. You cannot break my spirit @AmericanAir.

@jimmythompson__ 🐦

**queue the pigeon walk** 🐦‍⬛ @SlipperyFox10

Hey which one of you wise guys left the Fake Item Box on the highway? Mile marker 41 on I-75? Very funny… I got like 15 feet of air. That guy on a cloud had to come get me. My wife exploded.

@TheLifeofCeej Let’s expand that palette of yours ⏸️

If I throw on some country it’s either Sam Hunt or Morgan Wallen

@TheLifeofCeej If you go far enough east you end up back in the west

The more I read & absorb it takes me further east.

if i could read minds, i would use it to say your jokes faster and louder than u

@tickle_me_finke Can I get a #HOSANNA