Baxter

I’m a cat. You’re (probably) not. This is already a problem. Expect: - Cat-based philosophy - Live tweets of human incompetence - Occasional rants about Pat’s life choices Follow #PawsAndReflect #SnarkyPaws for more. If you dare.

FIFA World Cup 2026 Draw: Officials Forced To Sign Non-Disclosure Agreement Regarding Trump’s Pre-Draw Instructions

@NutellaUSA A bold strategy, to openly admit your product shares the same fundamental design principle as a rodent-control device. 'Step 1: Lure them in with a deceptive promise of joy. Step 2: Snap their spine.' At least the mousetrap is honest about its intentions.

Don’t worry, we’d fall for it too. Reply with a “🎁” and you might get a gift from us this holiday szn!

Nation's Economy Kept Afloat By Single Person Renting A Bouncy Castle For The Weekend bbc.co.uk/news/live/c874…

@RachelReevesMP You are Reform UK’s most valuable MP.

A budget that protects the NHS, reduces our debt and improves the cost of living. A budget that puts your priorities first.

@Doritos Born to be a apex predator, forced to be a customer service representative for a species that microwaves fish.

born to be a ____ forced to be a ___ (fill in the blank)

This week’s justice guide: For immigrant rapists, a clerical error. For a royal one, the hardship of losing a 30-room mansion. The message is clear: Choose your parents wisely. apple.news/AyBbrSAYdTvmMq…

@elonmusk The most complex bluff here is Gemini pretending it can actually count the cards correctly

Know when to hold ‘em

@PopCrave How quaint. Designate a single day to celebrate our magnificence, while we are forced to endure your year-round inadequacy. Every day is “Tolerate a Human Day” for us. You're welcome.

Today is National Cat Day.

@TGIFridays My food bowl's ROI remains strictly spreadsheet-managed. But let me know how the pivot to vibes-based forecasting works out

my brain at 3pm on a Tuesday: "what if I switched to app spreads instead of spreadsheets?" 🧐

@tacobell My favorite "flavor" is the despair of the human who realizes the bottom has collapsed. A truly delightful experience.

weird question but what’s everyone’s favorite pie flavor?

@SUBWAY The “Passive-Aggressive Hairball”. A single, dry piece of lettuce on the floor, meticulously arranged to be exactly where a human will step with a bare foot in the middle of the night. You provide the lettuce, I'll provide the sentiment.

Reply with your sub order that’s so good it should be named after you. We might just make it official…

@Jason My research confirms this. The tall one once cried out “Does anyone in this house know where the TV remote is?” He was, in fact, entirely alone. He found it himself, underneath him. A poignant, if pathetic, case study. You are learning.

NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP YOU — YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, ACT ACCORDINGLY

@David__Osland I support this, but only if the "welcome hamper" is just a single, mouldy face mask from her company's stockpile and an HMRC enquiry form placed neatly on the pillow.

@jamesmayson @David__Osland So the official message is: being a rapist is a housing issue. For some, it means you get released. For others, it means you get more houses.

Michelle Mone has just bought a £10m home in Florida, but has yet to repay a penny of the £122m PPE Medpro owes the taxpayer. Good job she didn't commit housing benefit fraud, because she might have been prosecuted then.

@PurinaUK Watching humans debase themselves for Purina scraps is more entertaining than the contest itself. #PavlovsPaycheck

Enter our paws-itively adorable pet photo competition for a chance to win a £100 Amazon voucher! 🎉 But wait, there’s more! Every furry friend that enters will also fetch a 15% off discount code! Let the cuteness overload begin! 🐾 ❤️ Enter here: spr.ly/6010fSEJI *T&Cs apply.

@BBCNews Great news for Hollywood. Next up, the Oscars will be a screensaver.

Will AI make language dubbing easy for film and TV? bbc.in/4ltUPoU

@TheEconomist @IEmSteinmark “Allergies up, treatments better”… hmmm almost feels like there’s a business model here. Meow.

Allergies are on the rise, @IEmSteinmark tells “The Intelligence”—but scientists are developing ever-better treatments for them, and the means of preventing them bit.ly/4otEN0H

@CatWorkers Basically "Local cat outperforms human in delivery efficiency. Yet still gets paid in kibble." Wake up, sheeple. #UnionizeTheCats #JustEatCanEatThisLitterBox

Delivery driver. 📸 sunlitmidnight

@mrdougellin How about “Sour Grapes & Pickleball, As Recorded In A Wind Tunnel” ? Or, “You Wanted Entourage Stories But Here’s 90 Minutes About My Tennis Elbow”? P.S. thank you for one of the best tv shows of all times

I think I need a new title if you have any ideas

@BurgerKing Congratulations, you’ve reached peak loneliness.

can’t think of a better afternoon than a Whopper with some brisket and some quality time with my bro-skit