Sarah Ranney

Depression is like an onion—it smells weird, makes you cry uncontrollably, and its most powerful form can be found at an Outback Steakhouse.

This merch just got so much funnier

Trader Joe’s selling peonies for $10 is the girl’s girl version of $1.50 Costco hot dogs.

Your success is not their failure unless you’re an athlete ofc

Men love to wear a hoodie with a big sports brand logo on it.

Whenever my bf takes a photo of me it's like wow do you even think I'm pretty??

I don't want kids for the same reason I don't want a Hummer–they're expensive, bad for the environment, and honestly not that cute.

@Glitter_Rock @eicarttracie @katemicucci @CrissieC @chelseahandler @VaGyver @sixfootcandy @Weirdonian @rgrantz @MsRedWriting @CarrieKeagan @RiotGrlErin @MomofTeen @unfortunatalie @ChiChiGreenblat @VickieComedy @eveewing 🙏🙏🙏

#FF stands for "Fantastically Funny &awesome!" Follow these: @eicarttracie @katemicucci @CrissieC @chelseahandler @VaGyver @sixfootcandy @Weirdonian @rgrantz @MsRedWriting @CarrieKeagan @RiotGrlErin @MomofTeen @Snarq @unfortunatalie @ChiChiGreenblat @VickieComedy @eveewing!

I graduated from therapy and I think you should be allowed to put that on your resume.

It’s tragic that as soon as I’m finally hot enough to cast on reality tv, I’m also too emotionally healthy.

Everyone’s a socialist til the powerball hits a billion.

If I’m reparenting myself I should get all the benefits of a working mother—a flexible schedule, extra paid time off, a closet where I can be alone and take my tiddies out.

Why does the haha iMessage reaction feel so sarcastic?

I’m dating a developer which is so hot bc I’ve always wanted someone to write me an app

Do I really like my esthetician or are we trauma bonded?

Going to the car wash is great if you ever wanted to microdose a hurricane.

Bout to manifest my dream home by squatting in my Airbnb.

@4evrmalone Get ice cream at Bi-Rite and go to Dolores Park on Saturday for people watching. Look for the rum coconut guy. Walk down Valencia in The Mission. Lots of cute shops. Stop by Clarion Alley for some cool murals.

If you had never been to San Francisco and had 3 days there next month what would you do with them? (A Friday-Sunday, if that helps.)

Kalamata was my gateway olive.

I’m sorry to tell you but dogs with blue eyes look haunted.

The relationship I have with my shoes is so toxic. I love them even though they hurt me.