Burning Mom ⚡️

My personal brand is ballet flats and a check engine light.

I just listened to two Yelawolf songs and now I want to steal some catalytic converters

“Kermit the Frog was a fucking coward!,” and other things no one in the gas station line expected me to shout.

My favorite sex position is eating spaghetti over the sink at 2am

I'm not hungry at all but 900 mg of caffeine sounds good

Ok but I’m not paying $7.99 for a bag of chips like you can literally go to hell.

Nodding and saying "billion dollar industry" to everyone who speaks to me from now on. Sure is raining hard today. Billion dollar industry. Gas prices are insane. Billion dollar industry. I accidentally killed a man and his face appears in my dreams. Billion dollar industry.

Inviting Gen X friends over and apologizing profusely that I don’t have a garden hose to serve their beverages.

I’ll always be here if you need me, but you must try very, very hard never to need me.

My childhood doll went by the name Malaria Fern. Took her quinine like a champ.

We’ve come to the part of the night where I eat a snack, put on a B-grade movie and “zone out.” Is this the good life I dreamed about as an ambitious youngster? Yeah, I think so.

If you are an American you are required to consume either a hamburger (preferred) or a hotdog (accepted) today. Please submit your photographic proof to the Bureau of Mandatory Celebration by the June 15 deadline. Thank you.

I would say yes, but I have this thing about being home in bed super early. I fucking love it.

I once saved a vicious pack of wolves from a baby.

getting a runner’s high from eating carpet

Thinking of shaving an Amish beard into my scrotum.

You seem like the one in a group of friends who refuses to Google references and forces them to explain everything to you.

It was the best of times, it was the chopped unc of times.