Burning Mom ⚡️

Lassie, Timmy’s down in the well! Bring my criminal defense attorney!

Yesterday a dog bit me pretty badly, and I’ve had a fever all day, so I’m lowkey wondering if I’m turning into a she-wolf, and excited about the possibilities.

This

I haven't a clue what could be wrong with your baby. He seemed fine earlier when he woofed down all of the rotisserie chicken skin and espresso I gave him for lunch.

Sometimes when you do good, it motivates someone else to do good. And so on. I don't know why this is hard.

I’m at the age where I’m too lazy to correct my typos If I message you “lets meed for lueh” That’s your puzzle to solve now.

The Nextdoor app is where all the Karens gather.

There must be some kind of way out of here *pats pockets* hey...where's my wallet?

What's your favorite song about Rikki not losing a number?

I can't believe J.K. Rowling's parents named her "Just Kidding."

Imagine being the granddaughter giving Rose from Titanic a place to live and taking care of her, and she just chucks a necklace worth millions in the ocean, and lets you take care of the light bill.

How am I supposed to leave this goddamn app bruh

this tweet changed my life i’m not kidding

Child: OMG it’s Chappell Roan Security Guard:

Criança: eu sou tua fã Chappel Roan:

Setting my alarm to get up early and “get a few things done.”

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she sees that it’s completely filled with poems i wrote about sears.

I like when people show up late and start making rules.