Dilligaf

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dogs,dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I was in a funny mood and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff a labradors rear end and a car hit me.

@edgaralandough Vitamin D tablets

I’m 32 now please give me advice if you’re older than me. I don’t care where you are from. Life advice, just one.

@WeedPorns Make some toast and "accidentally" burn it

What’s the best way to remove the smell of weed asap?

Pigeons have to be the dumbest creature on the planet

@CountDankulaTV youtu.be/6bp2J9ZdBnI?si…

Went to Spoons for something to eat with my girlfriend. Mate sent me a video. Played it with the volume on loud. Blasted the n-word out loud in Spoons. Old people were sitting all around us. Can't go back.

@stats_feed I proudly sit and piss

🚽 Where men sit down to pee (% of men): 🇩🇪 Germany: 40% 🇦🇺 Australia: 25% 🇸🇪 Sweden: 22% 🇩🇰 Denmark: 19% 🇫🇷 France: 19% 🇨🇦 Canada: 16% 🇪🇸 Spain: 14% 🇮🇹 Italy: 13% 🇺🇸 USA: 10% 🇵🇱 Poland: 10% 🇬🇧 UK: 9% 🇲🇽 Mexico: 6% 🇸🇬 Singapore: 5% Note: times where you go to the toilet to ONLY urinate According to YouGov

@80s_Kidz youtu.be/33Cei5QU-8c?si…

Steady on Jim!😬 #Bullseye

@YesterdaysBrit1 We lived in blissful ignorance. Underhanded dodgy shit went on left right and centre

We had much less back then, but we actually had much more in so many other ways.

@Hania16836 5,6,8

@BLackgold_5 The pilot: 🤠🍻🍺🍾

United Airlines B767 Landing Goes Wrong at Zurich Airport What went wrong here?

@LandLover56 Grilled

@LandLover56 Noodles

Remove one thing from this plate.

WHO declares Ebola outbreak a global health emergency bbc.in/4uKFLbe

@eat_dc I'd happily live in that

Amazon's electric cargo bikes have arrived in DC.

@anxietymsgs Avocado

What's the most overrated food that seems like people just pretend to like?

@TheZombyPop @liamtuffs1

@liamtuffs1 Calling in the benchwarmers, Guffs?!? Bet you can’t wait for Brand to do a speech about sexually assaulting teenagers!!! Maybe Alex Jones can tell us all about hoax school shootings via a live link?!? That’ll UnIGHt DUh KiNGdUmB!!! You tragic, tragic little man. 👍🤘👌

You’ve decimated nothing! You’re a deluded bum & your ludicrous comment has shown your hand - you don’t belong here! Leave! You’re an unwelcome guest!

@Kay_W84 youtu.be/xOp9V23LTnE?si… Here's a great one for weddings, funerals, etc