KangaRufio

What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They'd probably say something like... "Rob Lowe Robs Lowes"

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light

its so cold even the target ball inside

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today! my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ me: who

Me: We’re expecting a hard frost tonight Robert Frost: *kicks in door* I’ve got miles to go before I sleep, motherfucker

turning my hat backwards before going down on my wife

coffee prices are out of control

robber: give me your wallet me: do your thing patricia girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there [guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Fun fact: the medals of this year's Olympics are filled with two moderna vaccines and an eight ball.

assembling my crew

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

Worth it even for a few mins

uptown mouse she’s been livin’ in her swiss cheese house

@UncleDuke1969 @MelvinofYork It’s a cat

not sure if this is a cat going into a toilet or an elephant coming out

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"

Kohl’s is fucking brutal.

Tom: Hi Me: Hey Tom, you old son of a bitch, you old SOB, you aged illegimate offspring of a female cur, you bastard whoreson Tom: So my mom's been pretty sick Me: Oh no, please give Barbara my best