𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

I’ve got a new and typically awful song out now Not that it matters Does anything really matter? No We’re all just pointless bags of meat full of tribal hatred towards one another open.spotify.com/album/6JHrA7lJ…

@JordyP1993 @bigajm @currys Ah fuck it, if you’re that desperate for a coffee machine I’ll buy one for you and get it sent to you by the weekend. *T&Cs apply *Terms and conditions. I am not going to buy you a fucking coffee machine

Hey @currys as promised, just letting you know I’ve submitted a formal complaint to the ASA as you’ve broken the terms of your own T&Cs and haven’t provided a prize, regardless of how often your incredibly poor customer service team on here keep telling me otherwise 👍🏻 #Currys

@LeeAndersonMP_ Well, you won’t be here, so that’s a start…

Our Future. Last night I had a drink on my own overlooking the Thames and thought to myself what would our country look like in 100 years - what do you think?

EXPERIENCE the thrill of Olympic curling by shouting at cleaners. (via @nutts2020)

@Ben_Bradley_32 @politi_cal95 @ElectoralCommUK

@politi_cal95 @ElectoralCommUK "Reform's printers, Hardings Print Solutions Limited, has apologised to the party and residents of the constituency, saying the artwork including the required imprint had been correctly supplied by the party but it was removed 'during the final trimming stage' of production..."

It’s worth noting that according to the @ElectoralCommUK “It is an offence for a printer or promoter to publish printed election material without an imprint”

@bennetthaselton @mmbronstein Yeah, sounds fucking hilarious…

@mmbronstein For people wondering, this isn’t a simple case of mis-applying the geometric formula sum, which would require only high school math to “get” the joke. This has to do with the Riemann zeta function.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer, the second two, the third three, and so on. The time comes to pay. The bartender comes out and gives them 1/12 of a dollar. Then he adds: "If you come here again, I'll smash a glass over your head!"

TAP the post to see fuck all and then be really annoyed with yourself after tapping the fucking post and seeing fuck all, for fuck’s sake

The math ain’t mathing.

@dazbradley @HLTCO Undoubtedly!

@TwopTwips @HLTCO …and Steve Cram.

Newcastle fans following me, I’m curious… Are you Eddie Howe in or Eddie Howe out? I’ve seen a fair bit of chatter saying that fans are turning on him, is that the case? If so, I’d be genuinely interested to know why. It’s always better to ask those who watch every week.

Mountbatten-Windsor pictured today, driving to Dundee in bare feet

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

Congratulations to Prince Andrew for his comments at the reception he hosted in Davos. Supporting Britain!

This makes me so happy.

I see Brooklyn Beckham has finally addressed the large, indistinct creature in the room.

PREMIER INN customers. Pretend you're on The Traitors by cheering when guests come down for breakfast. (via @M0ZZMAN)

@TwopTwips When in Asda, I find keeping my trolley to the left makes it much easier to attack other shoppers with my stronger right arm.

REMEDY the ordeal of watching Frozen by watching Thor straight afterwards. @TwopTwips

PIANO. *plays the softest, most heartbreaking melody you ever heard in your life* TOM WAITS, leaning into microphone.

@maxxin_alll_J We call them ‘Lord Chuffington’s Thimbles’ of course Proper tasty they are too…

@nickdixon Fucking hell, lad, you’re such a soppy melt

It’s now illegal in Britain to hold any views other than those of Keir Starmer (or the views he would hold if he had any thoughts or opinions).