Tzejokem

When your wife goes through your phone and steals your memes.

Friend: *posts on his WhatsApp status Thank You Hashem!* Me: Did he also donate to your Charidy campaign?

Someone needs to tell the President that Minneapolis is not an insurrection. Kiddish in my Shul without Gala would be an insurrection.

FYI, do NOT under any circumstances call your Chasidishe wife, “my baby momma”. Now I know!

@arilehmann The look when he’s thinking about feeling up a Frum man.

The look when Shalom Rand actually sits through an entire Daf

@JackKaplanNY @FrumTikTok Even if the story’s not true you can still hit up Shalom for a hand job.

@FrumTikTok Unfortunately the story is fake. The cars were purchased by American Leasing Company for $16k. Sounds nice, but inaccurate.

Hasidic ingenuity is unrivaled. Listen to this incredible story.

@FrumTikTok The famous Shalom Rand. If you’re a Frum Faygella call him for a good time!

Question: What do you call a Gerrer Commandant in English? Answer: A Sexton.

I identify as Somali. Give me your money.

Hispanic guy walks by me and spits right at my feet. Me: “Why you spitting at me?” Hispanic guy: “I just had to spit.” Me: “Then why didn’t you spit next to the Black guy?” Hispanic guy: “You think I’m crazy? He’ll kill me!”

@I_Love_U_God @hasidic_1 He loves their Chochma

@hasidic_1 He loves Chassidic or their money? 😂

א אידישע קאפ

Palestine is a lot like lingerie. In theory it seems like such a great idea, but then you realize you just want to get it out of the way and get to the real deal.

NAILED IT 💪

It’s embarrassing and frustrating, but my wife is totally not afraid of me. But then yesterday we were walking on the street and a black guy yelled at us, “F*cking Jew!” And she grabbed me and ran. Turns out if I start wearing blackface my wife will be afraid of me.

If I ever want my wife to change all her clothing all I need to say is, “You’re going out like that?”

Me: Rabbi, if I have a tab open with Torah on it can I take my phone to the bathroom? Rabbi: I’m not sure if you’re allowed to take it out of the bathroom.

You can always the henpecked men… …they take the fruits by the dessert table.

Reached into my pocket to hand someone my business card and by mistake handed my wife’s OBGYN appointment card. Don’t tell her…

What’s the obsession with Trader Joe’s?!

First time at Litvishe Shiur today. Took me most of the Shiur to figure out what a Meegoo is!