It's Not Important

The candle has two ends for a reason.

@Bee__witched My brain screamed "Swiffer" but for once I remained silent. Maybe my blood sugar was low. I don't know what came over me.

Did you all think those were slippers?? They are for house cleaning. lol

“Ma’am, what would you like on your sub?” Me: Handcuffs. Now do as I say

@AlexisBorough Kinky

@WesNow60 That plus the melasma on my neck for the spots. All I need is little antlers

I switched to a liquid foundation, and today I woke up with a zit on my nose. My life is over

@AlexisBorough Oh come on dammit, that was funny and you know it.

@WesNow60 😭😭😭🛸

@itsmeleeleed They don't sell sporting geeds either, just a clothing store now.

Dicks doesnt sell Dicks wtf

@MoreForClaire I got one of those. My pickup is 7 years old and I've replaced 2 so far, about $97 each time. I asked if they could hook up a laptop and delete the TPMS subroutine. They said "No" but I think they're just milking me for the sensors.

Playing chicken with my tire pressure sensor because the light only comes on when it’s cold out

@DBen31389275 Can you blame him?

Watching the playback and realizing the neighbor kid is a peeping tom

I guess I should start looking for a third world girl from Buzios to keep me covered.

@kyeruphiona Not every day, but when my mother was on one of her rants...

@WesNow60 Wow

There’s a guy in my neighborhood who washes his car every single evening at 6 :00 PM sharp. It doesn't matter if it rained or if the car is already clean—he is always out there with his bucket and sponge. ​I used to wonder why he was so obsessed with a clean car, so yesterday I finally asked him. ​He just laughed and told me, "The car isn't even dirty. I’m just here because this is the only 30 minutes of the day where nobody in my house is asking me for something." ​I realized then that the bucket of soapy water is actually his peace , a "Do Not Disturb" sign.

@MilosParrots @still_hustling I was referring to welfare

@WesNow60 @still_hustling I'm retired.

Why are there so many grown men out in the middle of the day just standing around doing fucking nothing?

@ms5unshine That looks like fun

Weekend plans like

@ViaAscensio @MrsEthanBrooks W-2 employee or 1099 Contractor?

I can almost guarantee that the goats are going get an EBITDA analysis. Plz pray. Thx. Sent from my iPad

Since we can't send Chuck Norris we'll have to send @alt_w_v_g

It's a jalapeno popper night and there's a cowboy hat in the western sky. IYKYK

@AlexisBorough On Beverly Hillbillies Jethro called division gozinta, as I 3 gozinta 12 four times

@WesNow60 Idk what goes into what

My memory is unmatched!! Just don't ask me to recite my multiplication tables 🫠

@AlexisBorough 🤣🤣🤣

💀💀😭