=-/

Want a solid piece of advice? Don't ever, ever get fucking married.

To be truly fluent in English, you must know your shits Dogshit: Very poor quality Bullshit: Not true Horseshit: Nonsense Apeshit: Rambunctious Batshit: Insane Chickenshit: Cowards Ratshit: Poor quality No shit: Obviously Holy shit: Unbelievable Hot shit: Very good Dipshit: Total dumbass Tuff shit: Take it or leave it. Jack shit: Nothing The shit: Perfection

i listen to music more than i listen to people

@_StonersRUs_ 🙋‍♂️

Who else only smokes weed and not cigarettes?

do you ever just wonder how different your life would be if that one thing didn’t happen?

I even cancel plans with myself

be u, fuck how they view u

Don't be afraid to spend money on concert tickets and travel. Be afraid of growing old and realizing the only place you ever went was work.

"Oh for fuck's sake what now" - me when asked to do the job I was hired to do

your secret is safe with me unless it’s funny

“fuck this game” *plays the game*

I’m already ready to clock out from work tomorrow.

A lion would never drive under the influence, but a Tiger Wood.

I'm, "all this used to be woods" years old.

"Who is your favorite vampire?" “The one from Sesame Street.” “He doesn't count!" “I assure you, he does.”

ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

The X is silent. It’s still pronounced Twitter.

The IRS got suspicious that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his staff, so they sent an agent to investigate. The agent climbed aboard the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board. “Then there’s this mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does almost all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.” The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.” The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”

things i DONT want in my house: 1. loud people.

“a little bird told me” interesting because a massive entity told me otherwise

your boss at work will be like “i know these are stressful times” and be the stress in the times