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No human alive has ever cooked the correct amount of pasta at any point in history

@PDClifford Editor scrunched up a print out of my front page and threw it at my head. Said only “do it again”.

"What is this shit?"

@Jon_Anik @AnikFlorianPod 💎

Poll question for tomorrow's @AnikFlorianPod: Who is the best fighter to never hold an undisputed UFC title?

@nocontextfooty @duncanhare

@mcinnes97 I miss Thains, top tier scran

Thank god I’m Aberdonian

So the first ever person to make risotto was just like “I’m gonna drown this rice repeatedly”

My beautiful daughter is only 3 but love teaching her to cook, learn about food and appreciate it. A lovely way to bond and also get a good meal ❤️

@Bron_Maher @JoshKingWrites That stat can go both ways…

personal highlight from this year's NCTJ diversity in journalism report: according to the census bisexuals are four times better represented in the news industry than in society at large

@kdhanjal12 @AndrewKenning How many identical vans they got?

This is why you shouldn't speed. #Speedkills #drivesober

Every time I log on to this app it’s playing a game of “who the fuck are you and why are you appearing on my feed?”

What’s wrong dear? You haven’t touched your £500 toast I ordered on Deliveroo

@salmanzq ChatGP-woke

An interesting thing I noticed in the change between ChatGP-3 and 4 is that in the earlier version I asked a question about what's funny about Pakistanis. It generated some answers (some actually good). Version 4 told me it doesn't want to perpetuate stereotypes :-s

@lucyj_ford @BritishGQ The Wonders - That Thing You Do, certified banger.

hi for @BritishGQ i'm looking to speak to people who love fictional bands. was 4*town on your spotify wrapped? is aurora by daisy jones & the six your new favourite album? do you regularly listen to music by bands that don't *actually* exist? lmk in comments or dms open ♥️

@PJcraigwalker @pressjournal @EveningExpress Congratulations Craig!

Extremely proud to be taking on the role of @pressjournal editor. I grew up with the P&J and @EveningExpress so it’s a huge honour to lead these great titles and an even greater privilege to work with our team of talented and passionate journalists.

@Follow_Follow_ Not the cathouse but SECC

Pearl Jam have played in Scotland once in those past 31 years.

@Follow_Follow_ I was there :)

A wee lassie who grew up in a Motherwell tenement and left school early to take a job during the war. Smart as a whip. How I wish we could have one more cup of tea. Hear stores again. Get a telling off too. Proud that my daughter carries her name forward. We love you, always.

Utterly devastated last week to lose my Nana. A mother figure in my life who taught me so much about working hard, being determined, and being kind. I’ve been so lucky to have her in my life and I already miss her dearly.

@salmanzq I try to do something creative and something to stimulate the brain every day. Even each for ten minutes. Play guitar, then read a book. Don’t always get to do it but that’s the aim.

Let's talk about mental health! What are some ways you stay mentally healthy and balanced? Feel like I want to collect some tips #MentalHealthAwareness #Wellness

@grahamruthven @Stirling_Albion @EastFifeFC Would crawl over hot coals for a sniff of a pie 🥲

⚽️ East Fife v Stirling Albion 📍 Bayview Stadium, Methil 🥧 Steak pie/macaroni pie - no speciality pie here and these two were the WORST pies I’ve ever had at a stadium. No flavour. And stole cold… 😑 #TSSPieClub

@vykingstyle Properly Fat Chang’s succulent Chinese meals is the full title