Rads

[being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

VAMPIRE: can I come inside GIRL: i’m not on birth control

while you were huffing and puffing and blowing the house down i was deceiving a little girl into trusting in me as a beloved family member. we are not the same

inside of you are two wolves. they love each other very much. now they have puppies! inside of you are, like, five wolves!!!

call me curious george the way i be upside down jacking on my johnson

ME: god I love how you feel inside me SURGEON: why is she awake

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes. “D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H T O S H A R E”

started being conscious of what I eat and decided to limit myself to one snack a day

John. Jacob. Jingleheimer. Schmidt. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony—

@official_throne @japanhaul throne.com/rads ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

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SAILOR: aye, we’d better be careful. Davy Jones loves swallowing seamen. DAVY JONES: *rising from his watery grave* can you please say it ANY other way

@JarCat LISTEN I AM A LATE BLOOMER OK

@_radsy ITS BEEN YEARS

heeeeeeyyyyy so none of you guys have connections to rebecca sugar right....? right?

[The Odyssey except everyone is a dog] SIRENS: awOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooooOOOOoooo ODYSSEUS: *furiously tugging on leash* aawwwOOOOOooooooo

therapist: *holding a gun to my head* SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOURSELF me: *reaching for the trigger* JUST DO IT

Hot tip for dog owners: Be on the lookout for "whale eyes." If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

"director's cut"???? sorry about your foreskin

JESUS: one of you will betray me [later] JESUS: I’m trying to grow out my hair so please don’t take off too much length JUDAS (a hairdresser): ok

guys do NOT fall for "bond repairing" hair products. i've been using mine for like a month but i haven't seen ANY improvements in my relationship with my dad

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings GENIE: dude