I LIKE CHIPS

@Scorpio1080 I had a tree fall on me at work once.

@aaronup Is this like when a tree falls in the woods but no one's there to hear it?

If you die at work do you die in real life?

@aaronup I'm built different... Instead of 3 balls, I have 4

do people still whack off

All of my tweets are literal and should be taken very seriously

I’m built different, my butt is in front. lol.

the dvd logo just hit the corner of my bootyhole

Hello am i being punished

Your mom left chemtrails on my sheets

shut the shut up

like most gals i have passionate dreams too like the one where humanity had discovered a large sentient species of hermit crab but no one wanted to let them have rights cuz they were like “they look like bugs” but i kept yelling at them til they changed their minds

Idk why my daughter’s school project is taking so long to finish, she has literally spent the entire afternoon complaining about it.

Me: Hey guys, I need you to go through your summer clothes and anything that doesn’t fit, put in this ba- *sound of front door slamming*

Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

Hey hey hey, don’t look me in the eyes. Look at my sweet Def Leppard tour shirt.

I hate that some of yall keep saying “there’s nothing we can do” when we literally outnumber these mfs by the millions and they’re all 80 year old frail pedophiles. We could shove them to death

All tortoises are turtles but not all turtles are tortoises. All humans are people but not all people are human so watch your ass out there

I'll start showing interest in modern architecture as soon as they bring gargoyles back.

Remind me again why I gave up drugs.

Saying Leonardo DiCaprio looks like Howard Hughes because he has a mustache is like saying I look like Charles Manson because I carved an X in my forehead