Stu, For Real

I’ll have that lobotomy now, thanks

Why, reckless endangerment happens to be my middle name

Mustard, the glitter of condiments.

I guarantee no woman on this app wants to be thanked via DM for following you back.

Not to brag but, I can roll my eyes so hard I can see my brain damage.

Sometimes you gotta look at your grammar mistake shrug and say welp I'm a dumbass

Not sure if that subtweet was for me, but I had a cigarette anyway.

have you tried putting your soul in rice?

I have the Starbucks order of a middle aged white woman.

“Before you become too entranced with gorgeous gadgets and mesmerizing video displays, let me remind you that information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, and wisdom is not foresight. Each grows out of the other, and we need them all.” ― Arthur C. Clarke

Just blocked someone for correcting my grammar, and it feelded good.

Disclaimer: I am clinically insane.

curly fries are my favorite as they're salty and spiraling, like me.

Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

When I put on my old Bon Jovi tank top—ima steal your girl.

I’m at the age where 'How’s work?' is a trigger word and 'What did you do this weekend?' is a personal attack on my right to do absolutely nothing

Knowing stuff ruins things

The tweets won't be any better tomorrow so suck it

President Xi giving Trump rose seeds after him and Melania destroyed the White House rose garden with a giant concrete slab is unbelievably petty and I love it.

Whereas citing Schlësinger’s Carp allows you to just make shit up.