Quarantined Anders

My twitter account is 97.9% pharmaceutical-grade purified humor.

@KendalPeters11 Imagine threatening to call the cops because a nearby bag was serving too much atmosphere.

My partner was on a bus earlier & said there was a man with a bag obviously containing a lot of weed. Apparently, it stank the bus out & a lady sitting near the weed man threatened to call the police because it was making her feel high!

Every New York business with double doors has one door that opens and one prank door that’s always locked

@HormoneHangover It’s senseless.

I’m deeply sorry I told you to shut the fuck up while I was cooking The West Village Frittata.

My kids think pappardelle and fettuccine are the same thing. Have I failed as a parent?

Fuck it, I’m just calling this The West Village Frittata.

This frittata has the energy of a quiche that got hit in the head.

@Theholisticpsyc Lowkey wanting to disappear and go full hermit mode is literally your brain entering its final woke form. Not vibing with this busted-ass clown world anymore? That’s not a red flag, that’s elite emotional intelligence, bestie.

Wanting to self isolate is the first sign you're waking up. The desire to disconnect from a dysfunctional world is the highest form of emotional intelligence.

Broiling shit on low is completely underrated.

Would you please shut the fuck up I’m mincing a shallot

@NoahKingJr @dadmann_walking Dear God please.

Someone should buy LinkedIn and turn it off

Ina Garten just frisbeed the wild mushroom and gruyère frittata off the roof.

@daddygofish @deloisivete I’m dying. 😂😂😂

I like to cancel lunch plans with friends and then send them reels during the entire hour we were supposed to have lunch.

How has no one made this t-shirt yet?

@KendalPeters11 I think so? 😂

@andersjazz and are you?

In a chat queue with my doctor's office to reschedule an appointment and I just read the message "Are you still there?" as "Are you still alive?"

Good Morning. My mental capacity is already the same as a clearance bin.