Quarantined Anders

My twitter account is 97.9% pharmaceutical-grade purified humor.

I don’t need a jazz album. I need a temporary emotional relocation to a European hotel bar where nothing bad has ever happened.

@wtffolly_ @Arealmfngl I am dead. Deceased. 😂😂😂

My dad is so dramatic when I’m not home all day 😭😭

Amazing thing about Paris is you can go into any random bakery and get a baguette or croissant that would win awards in NYC and have hundreds of zoomers lining up on Saturday morning to get it and then for lunch you go into any random bistro and have a steak or confit de canard so mediocre it would get the restaurant owner deported from NYC.

I hope my obituary says: “In the midst of absolute chaos, with alarms going off, while everyone else was panicking, crying, shouting, and making the situation 400% worse, he alone had the presence of mind to tell everyone to shut the fuck up.”

@MurrayHillGuy1 Doormen. The final evolutionary stage of learned helplessness. The doorman opens the door. Calls the elevator. Signs for the package. Hands over the package. Calls the car. Opens car door. At this point the resident’s only remaining responsibility is maintaining a pulse.

Doormen in NYC might be the most important people in the city. They know your work schedule, every girl in the rotation, which one is the “serious one,” which one you told “I’m not really dating right now but let her up,” the late night one we don’t speak about, and the one who is absolutely NOT allowed upstairs anymore. And somehow they still dap you up every morning like nothing happened. These guys hold more secrets than the CIA.

Tom. My brother in Christ. You are singing swing covers in Germany, not negotiating peace accords in Monaco.

I don’t need intentional breathing or a positive reframe. I need to be hit by an IKEA truck and flung onto the steps of the Swedish Consulate.

I hope my obituary contains the phrase “a chain reaction of bad decisions.”

@PopBase Yeah, when you have a net worth of hundreds of millions of dollars and a small army of assistants, producers, agents, coordinators, drivers, studio executives, and interns whose full-time job is buffering you from reality, you too can “just not be interested” in communication.

Christoper Nolan reveals to 60 Minutes that he has never used email or owned a smartphone: “I’ve just never been particularly interested in that as a form of communication.”

Devastatingly on-brand this morning.

@BMcArthurWrites lol! 😂 I also arrive looking like I own the building.

@andersjazz Good!

Other parents are curating outfits for school pickup. I arrive looking like I’m there to fire the principal.

“We flew the orchestra in from Prague.”

@BMcArthurWrites Ol’ Chuck probably thinks he invented the word.

@andersjazz Just noticed that "to his liking" has the word "king" in it.

The laziest people in America live on Park Avenue. A doorman opens the building door. Another opens the car door. The driver waits. The passenger contributes absolutely nothing except remaining upright.

@BMcArthurWrites Shocked this isn’t already an SNL sketch.

@andersjazz Did you hear he also has staff boil 7 eggs each morning, at different levels of doneness, and he cracks them until he finds one that is soft boiled to his liking.

@BMcArthurWrites I could be a capybara.

@andersjazz Yes. They are astronomically out of touch with reality from the moment they leave the womb. They have no clue, of course. None at all. We are all exactly like creatures in a zoo to them. Our only hope is they see us as a panda cub or giraffe.

@BMcArthurWrites Like having someone standing next to you at all times to breathe oxygen for you.

@andersjazz I remember being shocked, and I am not easily shocked, when I learned King Charles has someone who puts toothpaste on his toothbrush. Even for a royal that seems absurd.

After putting it off for some time, I finally got a full haircut and shave. I now look as if I own a German luxury pen company and say things like “We flew the orchestra in from Prague.”