Austin Locke

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him Im coming over so he’ll clean the apartment

Gambling to pay my speeding ticket #blackjack @gambling

My house burned down and the only thing left was this supreme brick

@NGDWrites I redownloaded twitter (X?) to say thank you!

@Feldfrog This is very funny

@JEStew3 Hey Jon thanks a lot for tweeting this, very helpful. Is there any chance I could read the great spec you wrote?

Steven Soderbergh once wrote that talent + perseverance = luck. I believe this. Do everything you can to improve your craft, work hard, don't quit. And have faith. That will get you through the dark times. 17/18

Was talking with a mentee the other day about the best way to "break in" as a screenwriter... A couple thoughts maybe worth sharing, though caveat emptor––as someone smarter than me once said, I can't tell you how to rob a bank. But I can show you how I did it. 1/18

Get tickets to see Comedy at The Celebrity Theater featuring Kimberly Dinaro @KimberDin Rus Gutin @RUSGUTIN Austin Locke @austinlockedup and Juan Nicolón @jnicolon this Friday at Atlantic City Comedy Club! atlanticcitycomedyclub.com/events/comedy-…

Excited to announce the lineup for this year's Comics To Watch showcase at @nycomedyclub and @TheStandNYC. These showcases bring the best new comedians from around the country to the New York Comedy Festival. nycomedyfestival.com

My grandpas nursing home made a rule saying you can’t be naked in the common areas and named the rule after him. Some families get buildings named after them, we got this rule, and that’s way cooler

@gabriellaa_diaz It’s something I set on my phone but I set it before when I could do stuff besides be on twitter

@vantingley I’m honored

Batman could’ve also been called Wayne’s World

@lust_tg But Wayne’s world couldn’t be called Batman... food for thought

@noahmengie Ill recalculate

I miss a time when I could drink bleach without people making it all political

@jxvenegas Should’ve read the fine print

@austinlockedup I asked for a refund and they charged me again, fucked my mom and slashed my tires

Birds sing to attract a mate so when Sleeping Beauty sang and those birds showed up they were there to smash

@cartichungus I'm telling ur mom at the next yoga session

@austinlockedup I had 4 quarantinis yesterday

Thinking of dropping out of college to live my dream of being a guy who dropped out of college. But I think this might conflict with my other dream of paying my rent

@Gio_Eats_Crakrs Damn that sucks if ur moms looking for a new son tell her I’m available

@austinlockedup I am deceased

Ohh so this is why homeschooled kids act like that