elf™

How to be a beautiful moose: - be a moose - dont take anyones crap - if anyone gets near you, gore them repeatedly with your antlers - stomp on them too - make friends with flying squirrel

@Cockadoodle_Boo it was rainy/crappy here so ofc i started to make spaghetti sauce at about 8AM...came out nice too....now I got eats for 2 more days...

MDW recap: 0 wieners consumed 0 bikinis worn 0 motorboats 0 foursomes on the course 8” of rain

@HannaCanadia Detroit

That is Lloydminster, Alberta/Saskatchewan, I believe

@BentleyAudrey *raises paw...cn' we have them w/ buttery toasted buns? pls pls pls*

You know what food I feel like doesn't get enough hype? Sloppy Motherfucking Joes

@EinienX @_OKJ__ Jesus is totally real, look:

When you ask Christians to provide evidence for their beliefs

@Soosalah2 @charise_lee id have never known that four is (this many) in numerals

My grandson's college graduation ceremony was canceled due to lightning strikes and possible tornadoes. This meant that no ceremony would be rescheduled. They would never have the thrill of walking on stage to accept the diploma they so rightly earned after four (4) years of hard work.

Centennial high school graduation Williamson County, Franklin, Tennessee. Completely unacceptable those kids worked hard to graduate. This was a humiliating experience.

@thatlawyerLisa Minotaur house brand soda is really top-tier

I’m in the PNW and I have no idea what a Turtlebees is. Never heard of it or seen one.

@aspenn_colorado he seems dimwitted and mentally ill. i would be sus of this guy around women, children, and pets.

weird way to say you're a homosexual

@transplnt_mdphd @wynrosei is he stupid? if he needs to pay for sex just go to where its legal to do so. why pretend?

@wynrosei “I’ve already wasted enough time” EXCUSE ME?

Men: I refuse to date a woman with a high body count. Also men on a first date: I’m not paying the check unless you sleep with me.

@EinienX @MeachamDr you can go pretty far w/ fart power......believe me, I know from experience...no, really...I do

@MeachamDr I guess it depends on how fast he was moving.. 😄 with a self-righteous fart engine.. maybe he is in the Andromeda Galaxy already 😄

@xo_itzanito bug repellent, yo. so you dont get et' up. otherwise you find yourself slapping them as they are sucking the blood out of you and it becomes a bloody smear on your leg.

@baconelf Bug juice? Ewwww 😖😖😫😫

But who told me to dress cute on a nature trip? Decided to wear shorts & a hoodie because I wanted to be basic and now my legs are covered in bug bites on top of the bruises that I got from tripping over a log. 🤦🏾‍♀️

@DavidWi16981463 @JamieBonkiewicz consultant on how to get away with murder?

@JamieBonkiewicz Consultant to what? Vile creature.

If you’re one of the 11,000 people subscribing to Casey Anthony’s Substack, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?

@theAMFK @JamieBonkiewicz OJ could have done us a solid...

@JamieBonkiewicz she left out murderer from her bio, i wonder why

@iamAtheistGirl @ohhanxiety that person evolved from a turnip, yes

@ohhanxiety humans didn’t evolve from monkeys you turnip

If humans evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys still exist

@TunderBoomers @Variety you are comparing a late night tv show to ones that are shown during evening/prime time usually those are different time slots, different demographics, and you dont know what in the fuck you are talking about. shut up, sit down

@Variety More people watch CBS Re-runs on 3rd party TV stations than watch Colbert.

CBS will stand down and stop any further action on takedowns of Stephen Colbert's public access show. trib.al/DyzP2T3

@kellementary @MarcoFoster_ @megynkelly @hodgetwins ok booboo, if your bio/you are real, let me help you - you are going to be shoved in the woodchipper so fast if Donnie and his insane minions get their way. nothing and I mean nothing is going to save your dumb ass. wise TF up, chump. because you are *fucked* have a nice day!

@baconelf @MarcoFoster_ @megynkelly @hodgetwins Lol nobody cares what you think

Megyn Kelly: “Trump has cheated on every wife he’s had. He met Marla Maples while he was married to the mother of his children Ivana. Ivana accused him of raping her. She alleged he was so angry over the hair transplant he got that she made him get, it was so painful that he raped her. He winds up with Melania and if you think Trump’s been faithful to Melania, you’ve got bigger issues than I can solve”

@Surfygurl @spencertbarber no one wants to be in your smelly gym with White Nationalists

The economy is splitting in two. Yesterday I toured a new gym in town charging $500/month. They offer blood work, recovery, and concierge-style fitness, but most people are really paying for exclusivity. They haven’t even opened yet and they’re already 25% sold out. Later that same day, I talked to a family friend who has owned restaurant chains for 25 years. He told me they are seeing the highest rate of declined credit cards at the register they’ve ever seen. Higher than 2008.

@GOP__Ls how much debt is the GOP responsible for? oh hmmm...

🚨Trump is now single handedly responsible for 27.7% of the national debt. This is dramatically more than any President in American history.

@kellementary @MarcoFoster_ @megynkelly @hodgetwins shes a sellout piece of shit that has zero integrity. she only changed her tune to screech about Donnie because she's not a favorite anymore.

@MarcoFoster_ @megynkelly @hodgetwins I love this Megyn!!! At some point, you’ve gotta stand on principle instead of worshipping a personality.

@not_mamasaur This is the guy to watch/ask. Joey is his name, and he made fishkeeping videos for years and years before folks discovered him. He knows so much about taking care of fish, even wrote a book about it. @thekingofdiy" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">youtube.com/@thekingofdiy

are any of my followers fish people? how do you get the scummies off the decor for the tank? i've been using a toothbrush but it takes forever lol