Be Kind Of Witty

If you see my kid in the same outfit for three days just know I tried to change him but he said it was comfy and it’s the weekend and those were valid points.

My kids were discussing why you can’t marry your mom and the main argument was “ew, she would be so old by then, do you want to marry an old lady?” and I think maybe there was a better, less mean reason, but sure let’s go with that.

My door dasher wished me a happy new year and let me know I was one of her regulars and that perfectly sums of what I’ve been doing in 2024.

He's making his list...He's checkin' it twice. He left it at home. He's texting his wife.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

Me: Why are you in my bed? 8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

Do not tell your middle child it is National Middle Child’s Day if you don’t have something fun planned. I know this now.

It’s National Middle Child’s Day and my middle child is now mad that we’re not doing anything fun and no one even said anything nice to him. He fits his role perfectly.

“I know you’re scared, but stop being scared.” - advice from an 8yo

6: Did you know that 4’s second favorite color is red? 4: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE!

Sorry, but unless you're a thunderstorm warning, I'm not listening to your voicemail

What is the most difficult 4 wheeled vehicle to operate and why is it a skateboard?

Don’t listen to my kid if he tells you Mom has no food in her house, he’s exclusively talking about popsicles and Capri Suns.

Is the recipe easy or did you already chop, cook, and measure 15 ingredients into small glass bowls before making this video?

@golubeerji 😂🥰

@bekindofwitty Food may be mid, but this tweet is top tier 🙌

My kid keeps calling my food ‘mid’ and like could they at least use an insult that I don’t have to Google.

Hacker: Give us your password or else 30 minutes later… Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Not my parents getting same-day delivery on a Lite Brite for my kids when I spent two years asking for one in the '90s.

Guys I tried not buying the little treat and saving money and it was not worth it

Ran out of syrup mid-waffle, and by the look on my kid's face, I will be hearing from his lawyer