The Notorious B.E.V. 🌈

[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.

What I’m about to do to this rotisserie chicken is still illegal in some of the southern states.

Never gets old

Excuse me heroin addicted teenage Walmart employee can you unlock the cabinet full of things to put up my ass please

Doing your own taxes is like the world’s worst baby reveal.

Johan, from the stables

There are people who survived wars just to be taken out by bagged salad.

When I was a kid, being out in public in your pajamas meant your house was on fire.

@ChrisJBakke @grandpabbychuck Horrorse

You will live on the AI slop farm. You’ll have 10,000 acres and your front door will lead directly to a small 8x8 foot swamp. Three horses will drink from the water, with decapitated jockeys on their backs. One of your horses will be the longest horse in the world. Your fences will kind of veer off into the grass from time to time. There’s three shutters on some of your windows and a shutter to the left of your front door. You have no driveway and you own no Gucci bags. You are happy.

why is wearing a hat as someone who doesn't usually wear hats so difficult and humiliating. it feels like everyone can tell i don't know what i'm doing

@liquidsuitcase @dadopotamus @Kvy_kv I JUST saw the episode, I’m rewatching that series LOL

@dadopotamus @blade_funner @Kvy_kv Keep it on your side of the fence bro

People who are already mowing their lawns need to calm the fuck down

Seriously. It might snow next week. WTF

“zohran’s wife tweeted bad stuff at age 15” ok have you seen what the president of the United States is currently tweeting at age 79

trying to find the balance between becoming more politically informed and not killing myself

@MelonTeee @jzux I love all animals EXCEPT the deer eating my tomatoes and I wish them only ill.

gardening is NOT relaxing bugs are eating all my shit I've never felt this violent in my life

So you go into med school wanting to be in the Pitt and then some board tells you nah, we think ur an ophthalmologist ??

@signalborder @BadMikeyBad Slimy little balls of pain

@blade_funner @BadMikeyBad Or to remove an avocado pit without stabbing yourself.

What kind of zen master do you have to be to cut a canned peach half with a fork.

You don't see broke people wearing barrels with suspenders anymore