Brew-Ha

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.” Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference.

I’m on capri sun number three and ready to start some shit.

Life is the crap that happens to you while you’re doing something else.

When I lose a pound, I picture a pound of butter for context. Then I’m all like mmm butter...

No man cave is complete until there’s a stolen three-way sign on the wall.

but why, OF ALL PLACES, was she selling seashells by the seashore?

Coworker talking in circles this morning, like, land your plane girl I got shit to do.

I would go to happy hour, but it lasts the whole hour. I’m not sure I’m THAT happy.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she breaks a beer bottle over your head

OK, so maybe I’ve been the drunk aunt before, but really haven’t we all?

For Halloween, I'm going as a vodka drinking asshole who no longer cares about his appearance and doesn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

I just slammed my brakes so hard I found $18.50 in loose change, empty Zima bottles, a dead hooker, and a Blockbuster tape of "Encino Man."

Not to brag, but I had anxiety long before it was cool.

I wish men would be like “chores before whores”

Farted and let me tell you, dog did not like it.

Only noobs who suck your dick call it X

Well, would ya look at that. No overdraft fees since the marital separation.

Be the reason twitter made the “likes”private

How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them a fucking asshole? Please say 6

It could've been love but then you find out they weren't joking about their pet racoons