Kirsten T

Wow I have so much work to do guess I better take a 7 hour nap

so melodious

Today I learned about the Arabian sand boa. It looks like a child’s best effort at drawing a snake.

Someone drugged my drink this weekend. Here’s are some symptoms of a spiked drink that I wish I knew beforehand (and was never told):

imagine a crab coming out of the sea pressuring you to kiss a girl you just met two days ago in a jamaican accent

summer is great but personally i can’t wait for fall bc that’s when men finally put their toes away

have we tried offering the government a big pizza party if they get their shit together

put my ashes in the elefun PUT MY ASHES IN TGE ELEFUN

me: *drifting off, about to fall asleep* my gf: i hope that whenever i die, you die at the exact same time

Going on a reverse mission trip.. headed to Utah to teach people the joys of sinning

I think the reason everyone is getting married so young is because of the wedding registry. I’m over here living in sin having to buy my own Dyson and it’s messed up. I want a registry.

So y’all are telling it me wasn’t normal to be obsessed with food network as a child…….Barefoot Contessa I love you

A pregnant woman in Dallas was pulled over for using the HOV lane and is arguing that her unborn fetus should count as a passenger because of Texas' abortion laws. Let the mental gymnastics begin.

Babe what’s wrong? You haven’t had any of your minion seasoned onigiri

He’s a 10 but he’s impossibly fast and strong. His skin is pale white and ice cold. His eyes change color, and sometimes he speaks like he’s from a different time. He never eats or drinks anything. He doesn’t go out in the sunlight.